Now, I know what you’re thinking right off the bat, “Gordon, Taylor is twenty, you’re forty seven, that’s totally gross.” I agree. That’s why this relationship would be 100% platonic. My motivations in this union are totally non-physical.
They’re way worse than that…
I want to date Taylor Swift because I figure it’s the best shot I have at having a break-up song written about me.
Fun Fact: My ex-girlfriend’s, step mother’s, former roommate (or something like that) was the inspiration for John Waite’s “Ain’t Missing You at All.” For some reason I’ve always thought that was awesome.
Anywho, back to Taylor…writing songs about jerky exes is her gimmick, right?
Second Fun Fact: Actually, I’m not as familiar with today’s popular music as I should be. The alliance partner (who’d have to buy into this plan in the first place) and I auditioned for VH1’s ‘World Series of Pop Culture’ a few years ago. Out of the thirty or so teams that were in our group, only four passed the written test to advance. I’m proud to say our team, “Coupons for Joey Love*”, was one of those four teams. The only problem I had with the test was anything that had to do with modern music.
*Whatnot Points for whoever gets that reference. And yes, Whatnot Points are very similar to “Survivor” Points in that they have no cash value.
Back to Taylor again. So, the courtship wouldn’t have to last long at all. Don’t get me wrong, it’d be super sweet to get to attend the Teen Choice Awards and it’d be nice to get the Twitter follower explosion I’m sure that comes with dating someone of her notoriety, but I’m assuming the relationship would only have to take a month or two. I’d just be uber nice and pretend to like her poems and bring her daisies and crap. I figure the more she likes me, the harder the break-up will be on her. So, when she’s good and in love, I’ll drop the it’s-not-you-it’s-me hammer.
The kicker comes when my parting words to her are, “Baby, we just don’t go together. We’re like orange and purple.”
As i heartlessly walk away with her bawling, she’ll be thinking, “That jerk! Wait’ll I tear him apart on my next album!”
Meanwhile I’ll be thinking, “Good luck finding words that rhyme with ‘Orange’ and ‘Purple.'”