Things That Should Exist


I’m OK with my hands. I did the tiling and some of the plumbing work in my bathroom, I meticulously painted my front porch, and I used to be quite good with a first baseman’s glove. But now that I’ve chosen writing as my profession, I’ve become more of an idea man. I prefer to let my creative juices flow and allow the movers and shakers of the world to use my thoughts as their inspiration.

Here are few freebies…

The Capri Sun I.V. Stand
When it comes to non-alcoholic beverages, I’ll take a Fruit Punch Capri Sun over pretty much anything in the world. Now, you’re probably looking at this ingenious invention and thinking, “What a lazy a**hole. How much trouble is it to hold a pouch up to your mouth?” But that’s wasn’t the inspiration behind this invention. It was really the fact that in 25 years I still haven’t figured out how to pop a straw into one of these torture devices without getting half of it on my shirt. The hands-free laziness is really just a bonus.

“Survivor: Press vs. Probst”
I’ve been to the set of “Survivor” twice, and the dominant thought that was rolling around my head was, “If ten of the cast members got cold feet or came down with malaria, would they ask me to enter the game?” And it isn’t just me, all of the press is sizing each other up and weighing their options. So, just to be on the safe side, I made a final-three alliance.

The only problem with this is, it’d make for a boring season. Nobody wants to watch a bunch of writers talking about punctuation on a beach. That’s where Mr. Probst comes in. We could square off against a tribe of his favorites. I’d have no problem with Rupert, Colby, and Boston Rob taking the majority of the camera time while I’m busy trying to build the Swiss Family Robinson tree house.

The “Community” Pill
What’s the best part of my week? The time between 8:00 and 8:30 p.m. ET when I’m being entertained by Troy, Abed, and the rest of the study group on NBC’s under appreciated comedy “Community.” Why can’t my entire life be that joyous? Well, it can be with the “Community” pill. Simply take the pill after the closing credits, and the pill’s powerful sleep agent will knock you out for six days, twenty three hours, and thirty minutes.

You can also use this pill for “Two and a Half Men,” but only if you hate yourself.

Follow me on Twitter, I’m sick of Kim Kardashian having way more followers than me: @gordonholmes

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