I think we’ve probably discussed this before, but if we haven’t, I’d like to point out that I used to be “The Kid Who Puked” in elementary school. I wasn’t sick or anything, I just had a super weak stomach. The highlight of which was probably when I tossed my cookies from reading the word “Boogers” in a book. That’s right, reading the word was enough to send me sprinting for the bathroom.
Fun Fact: Before I became a whatever-the-crap-it-is-I-do-now (seriously, it seems to change every six months) I went to school for advertising.
Now, do I think my brief flirtation with a career selling goods and services qualifies me to be the ultimate decider on what works and what doesn’t? No. Does something like that ever stop me from speaking my mind? No. Am I a good judge of what turns my stomach? Yes. Do I answer too many of my own questions? Totally.
Anywho, here are my picks for the advertising mascots that have me wanting to relive my days in the bathroom stalls at Hanna Woods Elementary.
Mucinex’s Mr. Mucus
I can only imagine how much worse my adolescence would have been if Mr. Mucus had been sloshing his way around my television every commercial break. For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of seeing this green glob and aren’t sure exactly what you’re looking at, know that somebody was paid to come up with a mascot that is literally a glob of phlegm. I honestly don’t know how they sleep at night.
Charmin Ultra’s Bears
Now, maybe there’s some kind of toilet-paper-based benefit to having opposable thumbs I’m not grasping (no pun intended) but what is it about bears that bits of toilet paper sticks to their rears?
First of all, there’s no way this is an opposable thumbs issue. That guy’s having no problems grasping that mirrors.
And second, I’ve been taking care of my own business downstairs for quite a while and have never experiences this bits of toilet paper phenomenon.
Hot Pockets’ Side Shot Brothers
Oddly enough, this one is probably the biggest misfire on the list. Sure, if I have chest congestion, I may overlook the grossness of Mr. Mucus and down some Mucinex, and when it’s time to do bathroom business I don’t really have a preference when it comes to toilet tissue. But, when I reach for a Side Shot, I might remember their advertising campaign where their mascots seem to have chewed-up food spilling out of their mouths.
Toyota Highlander’s Little Sh-t
With the climate of the world today, a kid should feel pretty lucky to have a roof over his head and three square meals a day. But not this punk, he’s embarrassed because his parents don’t have a cool Toyota Highlander.
Get a job and buy your own Highlander, you little a–hole.