‘Survivor: South Pacific’ Recap: Liar, Liar, Hantz on Fire

Note: Bad news, we’re flying without a DVR tonight. So, get ready for a quick and dirty recap.

Last Week: Coach found CRABS* on the beach, Cochran gave a long-winded speech, and Semhar found words that rhyme with “Don’t vote me off” to be well out of reach.

*CRABS is the nickname of Coach’s new alliance (Coach, Rick, Albert, Brandon, and Sophie). Full credit for this nickname goes to “Survivor” Power Rankings competitor Andrea Boehlke.

39 Days, 18 People, 1 “Survivor” Blog

Here are the tribes as they currently stand…

The Savaii Tribe (wearing red)
Cochran – 24, Harvard Law Student
Dawn – 41, English Professor
Elyse – 27, Dance Team Manager
Jim – 35, Medical Marijuana Dispensary Owner
Keith – 26, Water Treatment Tech
Mark – 48, Retired NYPD Detective
Ozzy – 30, Slayer of Challenges
Whitney – 27, Country Music Singer

The Upolu Tribe (wearing blue)
Albert – 26, Baseball/Dating Coach
Brandon – 19, Oil Tanker Crewman
Christine – 39, Teacher
Coach – 39, Slayer of Dragons
Edna – 35, Anesthesiologist
Mikayla – 22, Lingerie Football Player
Rick – 51, Rancher
Sophie – 22, Medical Student
Stacey – 44, Mortician

Currently Residing on Redemption Island (wearing plenty of time to work on poetry)
Semhar – 24, Spoken Word Artist

We kick this party off with Semhar arriving at Redemption Island. She feels abandoned by her tribe. Maybe if she’d tried a little Semharder? (Oof…sorry about that.)

Semhar admits to having abandonment issues and even busts out a few stanzas of some of her spoken-word jams. Poor kid, it’s not often you get dumped by five dudes in one night.

Back at Savaii, Cochran admits that his Tribal freakout probably wasn’t good for his game. He promises to turn on the cool. I love me some Cochran, but I’m not sure his faucet turns that way.

That night, Ozzy tells Keith that he hopes they can team up with Jim. Cue the power struggle. No way Jim wants to pair with challenge monsters. Keith and Ozzy also hope Cochran can step up in the challenge puzzles. That’s not great news for Cochran as he told me he wasn’t much of a puzzle-doer during our pre-game interview.

Over at Upolu, Edna lets Coach know what Stacey and Christine are up to. Side alliance for the Dragon Slayer?

Coach also tells Edna that he’s looking for honest people, but that always comes back to bite him. Coach is playing this really cool lovable loser thing. I’m digging it.

Back at Savaii we catch up with Cochran 2.0 as he’s cutting through coconuts like a level 12 orc cuts through mages. He lets us know that his mother wouldn’t be happy with him using a machete unsupervised, but she’s not there to get him his Lunchables, so she’ll have to deal with it.

Ozzy takes a break to go idol hunting and manages to find it without a clue. What happened to Hantz-proofing these idols? Bury them!

Over at Upolu, we learn that Coach covered up Brandon with a blankey or something during the previous evening.
Brandon feels like a hypocrite lying to someone who’s so generous with his blankies, so he lets the sock-burning cat out of bag and shows Coach his Hantz tattoo.

Coach is understandably freaked out, going so far as to call Russell his number one nemesis. However, he relaxes when he realizes that Brandon had nothing to gain by telling him that.

On Savaii Beach, Elyse asks her ancestors for advice about fishing nets. She’s like a super hot Phillip.

Meanwhile, Keith and Ozzy take Jim on a fishing trip to talk strategy. Apparently Jim has what he calls the “Three Plus Two” Plan which involves the three alpha males taking Elyse and Whitney to the end. Jim thinks he’s the architect of this alliance, but it’s exactly what Keith and Ozzy wanted. I’m thinking Keith is way smarter than he originally let on. Glad to see it.

At Upolatia we see the return of Stalker Hantz. It looks like Mikayla is his number one target right now. He doesn’t give a good reason for not liking her other than that she’s attractive. He calls her “Parvati” because of how seductive she is. Funny thing is, we see no footage of this alleged seduction. I’m thinking if it existed, the “Survivor” producers would be tripping over themselves to show it.

Later, Christine discovers a clue to the hidden immunity idol. Dun dun dun. Clearly time is wasted looking for clues when the idols are poorly hidden.

Immunity Challenge Time: Four players will unwrap ribbons from a pole. This will release a key. Once they have the key they’ll unlock the other players. The released players will then move crates around a course until they can release a large crate. First team to put their big crate on a platform wins immunity, pillows, blankets, a hammock, a mat, and an immunity clue.

Note: Upolu enters eating fruit. Coach claims that the team that eats fruit together wins together. What happened to humble Coach?

Edna will sit out for Upolu.

Cochran, Dawn, Whitney, and Elyse will untangle the ribbons for Savaii, while Stacey, Sophie, Christine, and Mikayla will do the same for Upolu.

Fun Fact: When Probst was describing this, he referred to the players as being, “On the pole.” I may have giggled.

Upolu jumps out to a huge lead as their ladies did a fantastic job unraveling the ribbons. Savaii doesn’t do as well, with Cochran getting tangled up at one point.

Upolu gets to their keys first. Stacey unlocks the players.

Savaii is slightly behind and Dawn takes a while to get keys off of her ribbon. Elyse takes the keys and unlocks her players.

Savaii kills the puzzle portion passing Upolu and winning immunity and reward.

Guess the fruit didn’t help.

Politicking around camp centers around Coach wanting CRABS and Edna to send three votes to
Christine and three votes to Stacey. Brandon, however wants to vote out Mikayla. That of course lead to this exchange…

“Parvati screwed many a man.” – Brandon Hantz
“That’s for sure.” – Coach

I may have giggled again.

Coach and Sophie both think Brandon has some weird issues. Add me to that list too.

Later, Mikayla walks up on a CRABS team meeting, Coach not-so-subtly brushes her off.

Christine and Stacey grill Edna about the CRABS meeting. Edna tells a terrible lie, saying they were thinking of voting out Sophie. Christine quickly points out that Sophie was a part of the meeting.

Wow, it’s a mad scramble at Upolu.

Christine and Stacey approach Brandon to find out what the deal is. He tells them to vote for Mikayla. Then he lies to Coach (kind of), telling him that Christine and Stacey are gunning for Mikayla.

Coach realizes Brandon’s willing to do anything to get what he wants. Hantz me once, shame on you…

Why Brandon Hantz Is Creepy
By Gordon Holmes

OK, here’s my main issue with Brandon. It’s Mikayla’s fault for being attractive, not Brandon’s fault for being tempted by her. That’s just super wrong, right?

The End.

If I were Coach I’d consider booting Brandon in favor of Mikayla and starting a SCRAM alliance.

That night at Tribal Council, Brandon thinks he’s made a good first impression.

Coach thinks his first impression was bad as he lost the first challenge. Coach throws Stacey and Christine under the bus for gunning for Mikayla. They deny it.

Probst is glad Coach is back. Nice for he and I to finally agree on something.

Christine and Stacey want to know where Coach heard that from. He refuses to say. Albert thinks Coach is showing loyalty by not telling them who told him. Go Albert. He and Keith may be dark horses in this mess.

Coach calls Christine out for looking for the idol.

Christine thinks what she said about Coach being disposable on day one may have gotten her in trouble. Can we just call that Pulling a Francesca?

Mikayla asks Christine and Stacey if they were gunning for her. They swear they weren’t.

Then, Brandon’s guilt forces him to come clean that he was the one gunning for Mikayla. He’s like a half-Hantz. He can lie, but only for a little while. It’s like he has a fibbing egg timer.

Somebody with that weird half-conscience has got to be dangerous to align with.

Voting Time: No votes are shown.  Oooooooo…

The Emmy hog tallies and returns and we have one vote for Sophie, one for Edna, one for Christine, one for Stacey, one for Christine, one for Stacey, one for Christine, one for Stacey, and the second person to be sent to Redemption Island is…Christine.

Jeff told me that he would have cast Brandon even if his last name wasn’t Hantz. I thought that was crap. I’m learning now never to doubt J-Pro.

As for this season? Both tribe dynamics are fascinating. Keep ‘em coming!

Who’s Going to Win? Buh…not Semhar.

Power Rankings Update: Welcome to the Terror Dome, Boehlke! Gordon had Christine in spot seventeen, while Andrea had her in spot fifteen. The current score is Team Not-From-Green-Bay Beauty 15, Team Holmes 17.

Any Questions? Drop me a line on Twitter: @gordonholmes

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