Some guys hate it when people break into random songs on stage or in movies.
Not this guy.
I’ve even broken into some random songs myself. During my time on stage I’ve stolen a courtesan from the House of Marcus Lycus, managed the oldest, established, permanent floating crap game in New York, and sexually harassed Marian the librarian at her place of business.
Not only that, I hopped on the college acapella bandwagon a few years ago. A quick look at my iPad will reveal songs by the Freshman Fifteen, the MIT Logarythms, and the Clef Hangers.
So, why don’t I love “Glee”? Well, I’ll tell you…
Note: Before we get into this mess, I realize you’re probably saying, “Gordon, why are you watching a show that drives you nuts?” To which I reply, “For the same reason I watch ‘Entourage,’ because I believe it has the potential to be really good.”
1. All Glee Club Members Are Unpopular
As a former member of a high school chorus (I actually made it to regional chorus, suckas) I fully appreciate the stereotype of the unpopular glee club singer. However, in all my time working on scales, I don’t remember once looking to my right and seeing the captain of the football team, the captain of the cheerleading team, the school bully, and the queen of the mean girls. And if I did, I can guarantee that they wouldn’t take a slushie to the face over a few verses of “You’ll Never Walk Alone.”
2. Poor Booking
OK, time to do my absolute favorite thing in the world; compare regular life to pro wrestling.
When New Directions went to sectionals, (which they needed to win, or they’d have to disband) their set list had been leaked to the other schools. The dastardly rival schools used this advantage and performed the songs New Directions had planned on doing. So, our brave heroes had to toss together new songs at the last minute. Now, this sets us up for one of three options; either New Directions loses due to blatant cheating, they overcome adversity and win, or the other schools see the error of their ways and confess their evil deeds.
What did the writers decide to do? They had New Directions win. But not because they were the better singers, because the judges weren’t taking the competition seriously.
In wrestling, when somebody wins because of a fluke, it’s called “Slipping on a Banana” peel. An example of this is when Sheamus won the WWE championship when John Cena fell off the top rope through a table. Booking like this is generally done because they don’t want to harm the image of the losing wrestler.
In “Glee” there’s really no excuse other than the writers went for the easy joke. Why’s this a big deal? Because if the judges don’t take the competition seriously, why should the audience? By neutering the importance of the hero’s primary goal, it robs it of dramatic weight.
3. We Live and Die for Madonna…This Week
One of my biggest pet peeves in all of television is when character motivations change to match a specific episode’s storyline. (I’m looking at you, “Friends.” One day they decided to make Chandler deathly afraid of dogs, even though he’d played with dogs in earlier episodes.) Perhaps no show is as guilty of this as “Glee.” Sue Sylvester has patterned her life around Madonna, then never mentions her again. Rachel and her mother decide to sing one final touching song together and choose Lady Gaga’s “Pokerface”?
4. Auto-Tune? On a Singing Show?!
I’m not against auto-tune in music. I’m not its biggest fan, but I understand its place. I bring it up here because the main plot of the show is how the New Directions kids are picked on, but when they’re on stage singing they become stars. So, why digitally enhance their gift?
Not only that, but “Glee” is basically Broadway porn. Between cast regulars like Lea Michele, Dianna Agron, and Matthew Morrison and special visits from talents like Idina Minzel, Kristin Chenowith, and Neil Patrick Harris there should be no need for vocal manipulation.
5. Blatant Disregard for Football’s Rules
OK, maybe that header is a little misleading. This section doesn’t just deal with the fact that the McKinley football team would have penalized for delay of game during the “Single Ladies” dance. It’ll also have to include ridiculous moments like the glee club’s amateur status being threatened by appearing in a commercial, Shelby Corcoran being able to adopt Quinn’s baby, and April Rhodes being allowed to join a high school glee club while in her thirties.
6. The Most Schizophrenic Show on TV
Is “Glee” a wacky madcap romp where fake pregnancies and dentist-chair hallucinations rule the day, or is it a character piece where Kurt deals with the hardships of being a gay student in a harsh environment and Sue shows her softer side as she reads to her mentally handicapped sister? Can it be both? Possibly. But this show fails at that miserably. Nothing is more annoying than being drawn into a powerful scene where Kurt questions religion while sitting by his father’s hospital bed followed by Finn praying to a cheese sandwich.
7. This A**hole
Seriously, he freaks me out.
I need a better reason than that? OK, how about this…Artie was totally a jerk to Tina. So, she leaves him for the hot dancer and we’re supposed to feel sorry for him? And to get her back he blatantly goes against my number 5 reason for not loving the show by joining the football team? Creep.
Follow me on Twitter, it’ll brighten my day: @gordonholmes