‘Survivor: Blood vs. Water’ Power Rankings – Sitcom Edition


'Survivor: Blood vs. Water' (CBS)

Quick Note: We’re going to be bringing you all kinds of “Survivor” fun this season including episode recaps, exit interviews, and Power Rankings with Malcolm Freberg. And, we’re inducting three members into the “Survivor: Hall of Fame” starting Wednesday, December 11, 2013. Be sure to follow me on Twitter (@gordonholmes) for up-to-the-minute news and info.

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The Rules: Each week our two combatants will create separate power rankings. The ranking of the person who is voted out of the next episode will determine the number of points the two players will earn. For example, if Gervase is voted out this week, Malcolm will receive 6 points and Gordon will receive 2 points. Also, each player will pick the players they think will win at Redemption Island. They’ll receive a bonus point for each correct pick. At the end of the season, the person with the most points will be named the “Survivor: Blood vs. Water” Power Rankings Challenge Champion.

NOTE: The winner of Redemption Island was spoiled during this week’s CBS preview. Therefore, we will forgo the Redemption Island bonus point segment of this week’s rankings.

Last Week: Malcolm and Gordon both blew it. They both had Caleb in spot 1. They also both had Laura winning at Redemption Island. So, the score for this round is Team Glamour and Glitter, Fashion and Fame 2, Team Real American Heroes 2. The current total score is Team Glamour and Glitter, Fashion and Fame 119, Team Real American Heroes 127.

Wager Update: Since there was another straight-up tie last week, Malcolm and Gordon will both have to compare the players to sitcom stars. The loser of this week’s rankings will have to compare the players to cars.

Team Glamor and Glitter, Fashion and Fame: 119

Any advice for Malcolm? Drop him a line on Twitter: @MalcolmWHW

Team Real American Heroes: 127

Any advice for Gordon? Drop him a line on Twitter: @gordonholmes

 1. Tyson is Cosmo Kramer – He’s mainly a big clown, but there’s a method to his madness.

Now, according to previews, it looks like we’re going to rocks. If I remember my “Survivor” rules correctly (not a given), what happens is the two people originally tied for votes are safe. And it certainly seems like Tyson will finally be targeted, which would make him safe. Right?

 Quick Note: Apparently we’re going to see a purple rock tie breaker this episode. I have no idea how to rank that, so I literally pulled names out of a “Survivor” Hall of Fame coffee mug.

1. Hayden is Prosecuting Attorney Dan Fielding – He’s good looking and he’s going to do his best to lure someone from Tyson’s alliance over to the dark side. Apparently he does it, too.

 2. Hayden is Mr. Peterman – Because Hayden inevitably delivers at least two overly dramatic confessionals each episode. And you have to guess that Tyson wouldn’t allow the lead dissenter Hayden to go unattacked. I’m assuming he’s the other half of the tie. Another Quick Note: And am I wrong in thinking that whichever threesome isn’t the victim of the purple rock is going to be our eventual final three?

2. Gervase is Court Clerk Mac Robinson – It was often said that Judge Stone’s right-hand man was really the smartest person in the room. Gervase was arguably in the best position in the game until this purple-rock business started.

 3. Ciera is Newman – The foil to many of the best-laid plans. In accordance with how it looks like the eliminated castaway will be decided, I’m ranking everyone else based on their intrinsic levels of luck. And by my extremely scientific calculations, Ciera has the most – you can’t explain her surviving the first half of the game without tons and tons of luck. She’s obviously in good shape.
 3. Katie is Defense Attorney Christine Sullivan – She’s nice, she’s pretty, and she isn’t particularly good at lying. And if she’s on the side that isn’t the victim of the purple rock, she’s probably going to be a millionaire.

 4. Monica is Man-Hands – If it requires holding on to an object, Monica’s a lock. Our challenge beast has been fairly lucky to get immunities that play to her strengths; namely, muscular endurance based on body weight. If that luck carries over into rock pulling, she should get out of this alive.  4. Tyson is Judge Harry T. Stone – He’s lovable, hilarious, and always has a trick up his sleeve. Unfortunately, the trick Tyson pulled from his sleeve last week would’ve served him well this week.

  5. Katie is George Steinbrenner – We never see her face. Our newly-lazy fashionista is moderately unlucky – she’s the only person to have a body part nearly rot off this season. Luckily, Probst will require her to pick a rock with her hands, and if that poison is trapped in her lower body, it may not negatively affect her odds.
 5. Ciera is Bailiff Roz Russell – Um…she proved she can be tough by voting out her mother. And…uh…this analogy is…awful.
 6. Gervase is George Costanza – Unluckiest man alive. He was presented with the one food that foiled him thirteen years ago. His niece was immediately booted. He was born somewhere that’d lead him to think cheering for the Eagles was a good idea. He’s the unluckiest man on the beach, and thus the lowest ranked.
 6. Monica is Bailiff Bull Shannon – Her strategy isn’t the brightest, but she is a force to be reckoned with when it comes to physicality.

Watch Full Episodes of “Survivor: Blood vs. Water

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