‘Survivor: Kaôh Rōng’ Premiere Recap: Grossest Moment in ‘Survivor’ History?

'Survivor: Kaôh Rōng' (CBS)

Quick Note: We’re going to be bringing you all kinds of “Survivor” fun this season including episode recaps, exit interviews, and Power Rankings with Shirin Oskooi. Be sure to follow me on Twitter (@gordonholmes) for up-to-the-minute news and info.

Alright, things kick off with a big ol’ boat making its way through the ocean. Who’s on board you ask? Six physically fit people, six attractive people, and six intelligent people.

Note: Some of the smart people are strong and attractive, some of the attractive people are strong and smart, and some of the strong people are attractive and smart.

Also on this boat is former “Two and a Half Men” star Jeff Probst.

Mr. Probst lets us know that these eighteen folks are about to spend some time in the harsh Kaôh Rōng-ian wilderness. To illustrate this point, they show a close-up of an infected cut. Thanks, editors.

Quick Aside: I was in Cambodia after this season was filmed and was warned several times to have any cuts I received looked at by medical immediately. Those infections are no joke.

J-Pro informs us that with these conditions, it’ll be the most grueling “Survivor” ever. I dunno…”Redemption Island” was pretty grueling…to watch.

We hear from Peter first. He thinks it’ll be a challenge to hide how smart he is. Don’t worry, dude. I’m sure the guy in the “Survivor” baseball cap is going to let everyone know the theme of your tribe soon enough.

Debbie tells us that she’s going to own the challenges because “puzzles lay down for me like lovers.” Wow. That’s…something. She just said something right there.

Next up, Scot explains that he made a career of beating people up in the NBA. I’m more interested in the time he broke Shooter McGavin’s golf club.

After that, Kyle (who apparently goes by “Jason”) describes his job as breaking into people’s houses, hog-tying them, and throwing them in the back of his truck. Ummm…I’m going to be very careful with what I write about Jason this season if that’s OK with all of you. #GoJason

Anna shares her strategy of using her cleavage to gain an advantage while playing poker. There’s a “pair” or a “hold ‘em” joke in there somewhere, but I think it’s best if we move on.

Finally, Nick tells us how his good looks have made his life easier. Huh. #GoJason

A bell sounds and everyone is off to the races trying to gather as much equipment as they can. In the excitement a chicken flies off of the boat. Caleb, using Elisabeth’s head as a springboard, dives into the water after it.

If only he’d said, “Beast Mooooooode” on the way down.

The tribes continue to toss stuff overboard at a hectic pace. Seriously, it’s a miracle that nobody takes a cast iron pot to the face.

At one point, Tai tells us he’s trying to protect one of the chickens because he, “loves all living creatures.” Oh boy…chicken protectors have a tough time on this show.

As the time limit expires, everyone climbs aboard their respective rafts and paddles off.

It is then that Mr. Probst turns to the camera and says something about…

39 Days, 18 People, 1 “Survivor” Blog

Let’s take a look at the tribes as they currently stand.

The Chanloh Tribe – Brains (wearing blue)
Aubry – 29, Social Media Marketer
Debbie – 49, Chemist
Elisabeth – 29, Quantitative strategist
Joseph – 72, Former FBI Agent
Neal – 38, Ice Cream Entrepreneur
Peter – 34, ER Doctor

The Gondol Tribe – Beauty (wearing yellow)
Anna – 26, Pro Poker Player
Caleb – 28, Army Veteran
Julia – 19, Student
Michele – 24, Bartender
Nick – 30, Personal Trainer
Tai – 51, Gardener

The Totang Tribe – Brawn (wearing orange)
Alecia – 24, Real Estate Agent
Cydney – 23, Body Builder
Darnell – 27, Postal Worker
Jennifer – 38, Contractor
Kyle  – 31, Bounty Hunter
Scot – 40, Former NBA Champion

We start of at Brawny Beach and Scot immediately owns up to his NBA past. Probably a smart move. He is like infinity feet tall.

He then shows that he has problems counting to six. Yikes, he might think this show only lasts 15 days.

At Lambda Lambda Lambda, Debbie points out that Peter looks like President Obama. Good thing Jeff Kent isn’t out there.

Debbie then describes her many jobs including Red Lobster server. I’ve been to the Reading Red Lobster! She may have served me cheesy biscuits.

At Casa de Beauty, Tai isn’t sure why he’s on the pretty tribe. Dude, you’re adorable. Own it.

Caleb doesn’t get it either. He says Tai is wearing Mr. Miyagi glasses. Mr. Miyagi didn’t wear glasses. And if you’re looking for a point of reference, they’re more like Harry Potter’s glasses.
The ladies wonder what Nick does for a living seeing as he shaves his arms and legs. They guess model, but I’m thinking razor salesman or speed swimmer.

Back at Brawnsylvania, Alecia is already annoying Jason and Scot because she isn’t doing anything around camp. They want to partner with Jennifer.

Meanwhile, Darnell and Cydney decide to work together. This grand moment is punctuated by footage of Darnell sneaking off to use the restroom and being caught by everyone. Welcome to national TV, Darnell.

At Beautiesburg, one of the chickens gets away. Tai comes up with the idea of putting the chickens on a leash so they’ll be happier. Are happy chickens tastier?

The women on the Beauty tribe find Tai’s chicken idea adorable and want to work with him. Ooo…bad news for Beast Mode?

Julie also recognizes Caleb from “Big Brother.” However, this works in his favor because they remember that he was very loyal to his alliance.

Later on, we see Caleb and Tai getting fire for their tribe. Good job, guys.

Over at Chanloh, it looks like Elisabeth, Peter, Aubry, and Neal are together. Liz thinks that Debbie is annoying and Joe is most likely to be medievac’d. Foreshadowing?!

At Beauty, Tai goes on a little idol hunt. He digs for a bit and doesn’t have any luck. Not only that, but his tribe catches him searching. Doh… Now Anna doesn’t trust him. Welp…might as well keep looking.

Back at Brainy Beach, Aubry is having a tough time with the heat. Yeah, the heat in Cambodia is no joke. Debbie does her best to take care of her and it seems like they bond over it.

However, now Elisabeth and Neal are worried about keeping Aubry around because they think she might be a liability.

That night, a bug flies into Jennifer’s ear. GAH! As you’d imagine, she’s not happy about it.

It’s still there the next morning. Alecia wonders if it might be water and Jennifer not so nicely lets her know that water would not make her ear bleed.

This is brutal. Jennifer is in terrible pain even during her testimonials.

They then show close-ups of the BUG CRAWLING OUT OF HER EAR!

I’m done. Thanks for reading my stuff all these years. It’s been fun.

Anywho, this understandably makes Jennifer feel much better.

Immunity Challenge Time: The tribes will swim out to a boat then dive down to get four paddles. From there they’ll row to shore and turn their boat into a cart. Finally, they’ll complete a puzzle or stack balls while standing on a beam. The first two tribes to finish will win immunity. The first tribe wins a fire-making kit, while the second-place tribe will win flint.

Before we start, Alecia is concerned because she isn’t good at puzzles. Foreshadowing?!

The Survivors are ready…and they go.

It’s pretty even to start until Darnell accidentally loses the Brawn tribe’s mask. Doh… This causes the Brawn tribe to fall way behind.

The Beauty tribe is the first to the beach, they’re followed by the Brains. However, the process of getting the boat into the cradle takes forever, giving the Brawns a chance to catch up.

The Brains tribe is the first to get their cart moving, Brawn is behind them. Beauty if having trouble.

Elisabeth and Aubry go to work on the puzzle for Brains.

Jennifer and Alecia will do the puzzle for Brawn.

Beauty finally catches up. Anna and Julie are puzzle-bound as well.

Alecia tags out and Scot goes in.

The Brains fly through the puzzle and claim the first immunity of the season.

Brawn and Beauty battle it out for second with Beauty taking the win.

Back at Brawn Camp, Darnell and Alecia both apologize for their missteps in the challenge.

Darnell knows he’s a candidate to go home and he’s worried because nobody is talking to him. Jason and Scot tell him not to worry because they’re voting for “Blondie.”

Later, Scot admits that he wants Darnell gone. He explains to Alecia that she’s safe and does some zen-master moves, telling her to trust him and just let it happen.

Scot begs her to stop scheming, but she won’t give them a straight answer when they ask her if she has an idol. Be cool, Alecia!

That night at Tribal, fire represents everyone’s life.

Jason is happy with his tribe, but not everyone can live up to his high standards. He has no problem saying it’s “Blondie” and Darnell. OK, I’m convinced they don’t know her name. That’s good, then they can’t write it down.

Alecia doesn’t think she’s the weakest link in the tribe.

Darnell admits that he’s the reason they lost. But he tried his best.

Scot is upset that he trusted Darnell when he said he could dive.

Alecia thinks they have to keep the tribe strong and she’s a “mental giant” and she isn’t going to quit.

Cydney thinks Alecia’s just saying it for show and she isn’t really strong. Dude, why else would she be on the Brawn tribe?

Darnell then breaks down a little because he let everyone down.

Jennifer whispers to her alliance that she doesn’t want to vote out Darnell.

Jason wonders if they’re making the wrong choice.

Voting Time: Alecia votes for Darnell, Cydney votes for Alecia, and the rest are secret.

Quick Aside: Alecia tried to write her vote without taking the cap off of the marker. #mentalgiant

Probst tallies and returns. We’ve got one vote for Alecia, one vote for Darnell, one vote for Alecia, one vote for Darnell, one vote for Alecia, and the final vote is for Darnell. A tie.

Voting Time Part Deux: No votes are shown.

J-Pro tallies and returns yet again. We’ve got two votes for Darnell and the first person voted out of “Survivor: Kaôh Rōng is…Darnell.

Verdict: A BUG WAS IN HER EAR! IN HER EAR! DIGGGGGGGING IN HER EAR! That has to be the grossest thing on this show since the “South Pacific” crew had to tear apart that hunk of pork with their teeth.

Maybe I’ll come up with a better verdict after I wash my eyes out with soap.

Who’s Going to Win? I kinda like Scot. I don’t think someone his size can win balance-heavy individual immunities, but he’s got game.

Any Questions? Drop me a line on Twitter: @gordonholmes

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