My Patented Terrible ‘Survivor: Kaôh Rōng’ Pre-Season Rankings

'Survivor' (CBS)

QUICK NOTE: XFINITYTV.com is the place to be for all of your bug-eatin’, back-stabbin’, “Survivor” coverage. During the season we’ll have insightful weekly Power Rankings, exit interviews, and full episode recaps. Follow me on Twitter (@gordonholmes) for up-to-the-minute updates.

“Survivor: Kaôh Rōng” will premiere on CBS Wednesday, February 17, 2015 at 8 p.m. ET with a special 90-minute episode.

OK, you all know the drill by now; I rank the players, the game starts, I am proved horribly wrong. The most famous cases being, of course, me picking Tony Vlachos last for “Survivor: Cagayan” and picking Michelle Chase to win “Survivor: Gabon.”

…sigh…

However, things changed a little bit with my “Second Chance” predictions. Sure, my winner pick was the fourth person sent home…BUT…the eventual winner, Jeremy Collins, was my pick to win “Survivor: San Juan del Sur.”

So, sometime after this season, get ready for Alecia to come back and win it all.

Quick Note: The pre-season rankings are for exhibition purposes only. No points will be awarded based on their content. Ideally, the players are being ranked based on their likelihood of being named Sole Survivor.

Gordon Holmes’s Pre-Season Rankings

  1. – Alecia: I can see this season taking a similar course as the original Brains vs. Beauty vs. Brawn. The Brawn tribe looks like it can clean house in challenges. So, they might not see any real danger until the inevitable swap in the fifth episode. (NOTE: I don’t know that there will be a swap, but it almost always happens in three-tribe seasons) That’ll put the Kyles and Scots in danger, but Alecia can blend in and coast. I think she’s a real threat to go all the way. That, and “Mental Giant” might be my new favorite nickname.  2. – Peter: Peter seems like a smart guy with a level head. He should cruise for a while. The one thing that did make me nervous was his logic in forgoing fire-making skills because they can win flint in a challenge. So…basically you’re prepared to go the first three days without fire. I think a doctor would know better.
 3. – Joseph: You know when you see someone like Joseph and you’re supposed to say, “I hope I look that good at his age.” Forget that. I wish I looked that good now. So, he’s the old guy on a tribe that I can see losing a few early immunities, but I doubt they’ll be able to use lack of challenge prowess as a reason to send him packing. Add to that his FBI background and you have someone who can probably spot a liar a mile away.
 4. – Anna: We all want to believe that poker players are super good at “Survivor,” but the evidence has yet to back it up. That aside, she intends to have a malleable personality, which is something the other poker-types weren’t known for.
 5. – Darnell: I like Darnell. He seems like a smart, personable guy. And on a tribe with two brawny guys like Kyle and Scot, he isn’t going to be anyone’s first target after the merge. If I were him, I’d buddy up with them quick and let them take all the bullets.
 6. – Nick: I always question someone whose bio reads like a bad-guy wrestler promo. “Your hometown sporting team sucks!” “I hate puppies and ice cream!” Spencer Bledsoe had a similar bio his first time and his in-game personality did not match his pre-game boasts. So, if Nick knows enough to turn up that part of his personality to get noticed by casting, hopefully he knows enough to turn it down (or off) in the game.
 7. – Elisabeth: “The Surgical Flirter!” Flirting with precision! Like a sexy scalpel! Nurse, get me 20 cc’s of fineness, stat! Sorry, I was watching her video and that cracked me up.  If she can survive through the swap, I could see her making some noise after the merge. And anyone who uses a “Game of Thrones” reference gets bonus points in my book.  8. – Kyle: Does Kyle have a boom box tattooed on his stomach?  That’s awesome. Also awesome is Kyle’s attitude of not taking a specific strategy into the game and adjusting based on what is thrown at him. I think he and Scot are going to make the merge easily, but then be BIG targets.
 9. – Michele: She wants to take a “Harry Potter” book with her, but doesn’t specify which one?! How am I supposed to work with that? A “Half-Blood Prince” pick is an obvious winner, while I’d question the sanity of someone who goes with “Order of the Phoenix.” Truthfully, I didn’t get much of a feel for her potential gameplay from any of the pre-season materials. So…middle-of-the-pack she goes.
 10. – Cydney: She’s smart and she’s strong, but it has to be depressing for someone who takes such pride in her hard-earned physique to watch it dwindle away under “Survivor’s” harsh conditions. It’ll be interesting to see how Cydney deals with that. Also, I get nervous around people who claim to have “alter egos.” “Survivor” is a game where you have to take ownership of your actions in order to sway a jury in the end and an alter ego seems like a way to pass the blame.
 11. – Aubry: I always wondered how a Manic Pixie Dream Girl would do on “Survivor.” Who is the most Zach Braff-esque person for her to align with? In all seriousness though, she’s got a good head on her shoulders, but does she have what it takes to cut throats?
 12. – Neal: Huh…looking at this Brains tribe you’ve got an FBI agent, a chemist, a quantitative strategist, and an E.R. doctor. How does an entrepreneur fit into that?  Neal seems nice enough and personable enough to do well in a larger-tribe situation, but I think the early going is going to be a brainy bloodbath.
 13. – Debbie: Reading, PA, represent! Surely she trained by eating pretzels, jogging up to the Pagoda, and attending Fightin’ Phils games. And…uh…juggling. She’s a juggler. She…juggles. Anywho…the Brains tribe is a tough one to figure. Do the under-40s ostracize Debbie and Joseph? Do they try to stay strong and keep them around? This will probably be the story of the first four episodes.
 14. – Julia: I remember what an idiot I was when I was her age. I would imagine someone with more world experience would have destroyed me on “Survivor.” But on the other hand she has “killed cows in Africa.”
 15. – Jennifer: When I was watching Jennifer’s interview, I was totally loving her up until the “Can’t deal with weather” portion. Weather is a problem? You’re familiar with the show you’ve signed up for, right?  16. – Caleb: The “Beast-Mode Cowboy” is on this season?! I watched his season of “Big Brother!” I Power Ranked it with Rachel Reilly. I stayed up until embarrassing hours watching it on TVGN (Now Pop!). The thing I remember most about Caleb? Him not realizing that Amber was totally not into him. That lack of self-awareness will get your torch snuffed quickly on “Survivor.”
 17. – Tai: How adorable is Tai? Seriously. I’m nervous about the make-up of his tribe, though. Caleb, judging by his time on “Big Brother,” has a weak spot for the ladies and Nick is more of a challenge threat. Could Tai be sent packing if the Beauties have immunity issues early on?
 18. – Scot: Yeah, Shirin is right that former athletes don’t have the best track record on “Survivor,” but look who’s on his tribe…Kyle. Is there any way those two don’t become best buddies and start their own food truck show when this is all over? As for the game, there are just too many balancing-type individual immunity challenges after the merge for someone like Scot to get too far.

Tags: ,


%d bloggers like this: