‘Elf’ Sits on a Throne of Lies

Dude, I loves me some Christmas movies. Whether it’s Randy freaking out over his new zepplin or Clark W. Griswold talking about his Yule log, I’m into it.

And I’d love to induct Will Ferrell’s ‘Elf’ into my playlist of must-watch flicks, but it’s just too unbelievable for me to truly support.

Yeah yeah, it’s a movie about a human child that’s raised by elves in the North Pole…how realistic can it be? Well, my problem isn’t with the main plot.

Buddy the elf being friends with claymation animals?

That’s fine.

Santa being a real person who has a magical sleigh that runs on Christmas cheer?

I’ll buy it.

Buddy floating from the North Pole to New York City on a shelf of ice?

Sure.

A girl falling in love with a guy who thinks he’s an elf and follows her into the shower?

Stranger things have happened.

Mary Steenburgen playing a woman who is downright giddy to learn that her husband had a son with his former girlfriend?

Bulls–t.

And then she invites the seemingly unstable stranger (who thinks he’s an elf, mind you) to come live with her family?

Never happen.

And while we’re on the subject of things I don’t believe, has anyone in the history of time ever gone from being kinda blah in their 30s and 40s to smoking hot in her 50s like Mary Steenbergen has?

Honestly, I thought Doc Brown could’ve done way better than Clara Clayton. But now? Great Scott…

Sorry, what was I talking about?

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