Things I Would Do If I Was Pregnant


I know I exaggerate a lot on this blog, but believe me when I make the following statement…

Everyone around me is pregnant.

OK, maybe not the guys, but the majority of their wives are knocked up.

I’m cool with this. New beginnings, bundles of joy, life is beautiful, blah blah blah. My only concern is that I’m finding myself a bit jealous of the preggos.

No, not that I can’t enjoy the magic of what it must feel like to create a life. It just seems like a wonderful way to mess with people…as I’m about to illustrate.

1. Come Up with Terrible Names
Sure, at the end of the day, my kids would have relatively normal names like Owen (as in Hart) for a boy or Chase (not as in Utley) for a girl.

But until that kid popped out you’d hear me say things like, “Well, we’re both writers, so we decided on Ampersand.” Or, “My sister already used the name Steven, so we had to go with our second choice, Phart.”

2. Smack People Who Try to Touch My Belly
To me the weirdest thing about the way people treat pregnant women is the way they will come up and feel their bumps. I wouldn’t stand for that at all. My policy would be if you come in for a belly grope unannounced, then you’re leaving with a bruise. Best of all, when they lean down to get a ‘feelin, they’ll be at perfect height to punch.

3. Request the Weirdest/Most Hard-to-Get Foods
Sure, there are downsides to being pregnant (morning sickness, swollen feet, no booze, an eventual child) but I worry that most pregnant women don’t take advantage of one of the biggest upsides: you can eat whatever you want.

Not only that, but you can guilt your significant other into going to get it for you. I’d even make stuff up. Alliance partner can’t find Brussel Sprout yogurt? Keep looking. And better yet, serve it to me in a hollowed-out Etch-A-Sketch!

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2 Responses to “Things I Would Do If I Was Pregnant”

  1. Jessica Sant Says:

    That’s funny. “Amber” was one of the names I came up with that I couldn’t name my kid… cause then she would be “Amber Sant” — aka ampersand

  2. janet kloor Says:

    if I would have known “phart” was your second choice
    I would have let you have Steven.

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