Unanswered Questions from Classic Rap Songs

I’ve learned a lot from late-80s, early-90s hip hop…

I learned that every last lady and homie are down with O.P.P.

I learned that Sir Mix-A-Lot prefers ladies with large posteriors.

And I learned that Bo Jackson doesn’t know jack because he doesn’t possess the ability to rap.

But decades later there are still some answers that continue to elude me…

Young MC’s Family Feud

Let’s kick this off with a guy who might’ve had the most short-sighted stage name since Lil’ Floppy Disk, Young MC. In his 1989 hit, “Bust A Move” he lets us know about a wedding we’re invited to attend…

Your best friend Harry, has a brother Larry,
In five days from now he’s going to marry.
He’s hoping he can make it there if you can,
Cause in the ceremony you’ll be the best man.

OK, ignore for a second that a woman named her sons “Harry” and “Larry” and ask yourself; why would Larry ask you to be his best man if he has a brother? Sure, grooms don’t always pick their brothers to be their best men, but we’ve already established that your best friend is Harry. Is Larry picking you to spite his brother? The whole thing seems messed up.

Follow-Up Question: In the lyrics you’re flirting with a bridesmaid, while in the video you’re clearly putting the moves on the bride. So not only are you coming between two brothers, but now you’re ripping a new marriage apart? Again, messed up.

How Stupid Is Tone Loc?

Maybe it’s a little odd to judge someone’s intelligence based on their lyrics, but Tone Loc really only had two popular songs and he makes similar mistakes in both of them. Here’s the first example from “Wild Thing”…

We was all alone and she said “Tone, let me tell you one thing;
I need $50 to make you holler I get paid to do the wild thing”

Alright, so Tone accidentally took a hooker home. It happens. (Believe me…) Honestly, this wouldn’t even be a concern if it wasn’t for this line in his other hit, “Funky Cold Medina”…

But when she got undressed it was a big, old mess,
Sheena was a man.

Apparently all of Tone’s powers of perception fly out of his head when he’s “coolin’ at a bar and he’s looking for some action.”

Follow-Up Question: Could adding the aphrodisiac Funky Cold Medina to someone’s drink without their knowledge get you in legal trouble? Seems like a form of date rape to me.

Yet Another Follow-Up Question: In the video for “Funky Cold Medina,” Tone proceeds to knock Sheena out after he reveals himself to be a dude. Was Tone looking to add a hate crime to his date rape rap sheet?

What’s Up with the Fresh Prince’s Parents’ Finances?

DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince’s smash hit “Parents Just Don’t Understand” starts off well enough, with a humorous tale about his mother forcing him to wear clothes from 1963. However, it’s the second half of the tune that makes me raise an eyebrow…

OK, here’s the situation,
My parents went away for a week’s vacation.
And they left the keys to their brand new Porsche…

They can afford a new Porsche?! Seriously? Then why is his mother making him wear a plaid shirt with a butterfly collar? Or bell-bottom “Brady Bunch” trousers? C’mon woman, you’re making him wear Zips when he asked for Adidas?

Follow-Up Question: Was the Porsche a gift from the Fresh Prince’s Aunt Viv and Uncle Phil?
Even More Whatnot…

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