Archive for October, 2010

Poor, Trusting, Abused Linus

October 30, 2010

Sat down with the alliance partner this evening to watch the Halloween classic, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” It occurred to me that whenever I watch this special, I always ask myself the same questions…

Why doesn’t Charlie Brown tell Violet where to stick that marker when she draws on his head?

How does PigPen kick up a cloud of dust indoors?

Did Snoopy hallucinate the whole World War 1 sequence?

But this year I was hit with a new question…

Who told Linus about the Great Pumpkin in the first place?

Seriously. It’s not like he made up the story himself. Sure, kids are capable of coming up with some imaginative stories, but he’d know better than to pursue it if it was his own creation.

My bet is that some a**hole uncle told him about it as a joke. Sincere pumpkin patch? That sounds like the same ridiculous crap I tell my nephew.

Now I feel terrible.

Straight Guy’s Shame

October 29, 2010

I love gay men.

I’m not even going to backtrack and say “Whoa…in a platonic way.” If you want to think I’m gay, go right ahead.

In fact, please think I’m gay. I’d consider it quite a compliment. I can count on one hand the gay men and women I’ve met in my life that I haven’t liked.

Unfortunately, I didn’t used to be so open minded about such things. Oh sure, I’ve always been fond of gay people and gay culture, but the fact that people would think I was gay used to bother me. In fact, a rumor that was spread about me and another guy in high school was downright distressing at the time. (more…)

Is Best Buy Ripping Us Off?

October 24, 2010

Buckle your seatbelts, folks. Time to blow the lid off of what must be a far-reaching conspiracy.

Earlier today, I swung by my local Best Buy to buy my mother’s birthday gift. (A DVD/VCR combo…yes, she still uses VHS tapes.) I also purchased myself the WWE’s new “Wrestling’s Highest Flyers” DVD. (Yes, I still watch wrestling.)

When I got home and unpacked these goodies, I noted that not only was the receipt’s printing barely legible, but it was also horribly smudged. Is this some kind of ploy from the Best Buy people to prevent returns? Shady…

Has anyone else noticed this?

UPDATE: It’s been suggested by a few people that it could be a crappy printer. That’s possible (read: probable) but isn’t nearly as much fun.

Things That Should Exist

October 23, 2010

I’m OK with my hands. I did the tiling and some of the plumbing work in my bathroom, I meticulously painted my front porch, and I used to be quite good with a first baseman’s glove. But now that I’ve chosen writing as my profession, I’ve become more of an idea man. I prefer to let my creative juices flow and allow the movers and shakers of the world to use my thoughts as their inspiration.

Here are few freebies… (more…)

7 Reasons Why ‘Glee’ Annoys the Crap Out of Me

October 19, 2010

Some guys hate it when people break into random songs on stage or in movies.

Not this guy.

I’ve even broken into some random songs myself. During my time on stage I’ve stolen a courtesan from the House of Marcus Lycus, managed the oldest, established, permanent floating crap game in New York, and sexually harassed Marian the librarian at her place of business.

Not only that, I hopped on the college acapella bandwagon a few years ago. A quick look at my iPad will reveal songs by the Freshman Fifteen, the MIT Logarythms, and the Clef Hangers.

So, why don’t I love “Glee”? Well, I’ll tell you…

Note: Before we get into this mess, I realize you’re probably saying, “Gordon, why are you watching a show that drives you nuts?” To which I reply, “For the same reason I watch ‘Entourage,’ because I believe it has the potential to be really good.”

(more…)

Clarification Needed…

October 18, 2010

I’m going to apologize in advance in case what I’m about to ask ruins anyone’s day, but…

Reality star Khloe Kardashian and former WWE wrestler Chyna are the same person, right? Has anyone ever seen them passed out at the same D-list after party?

Anyone?

Left/Right Review for ‘Red’

October 14, 2010

The popular theory is that the right side of the brain controls emotions, while the left side controls more analytical thinking. So the left side of my brain enjoys an intelligent story with creative execution, and the right side of my brain likes lightsabers, People’s Elbows, and explosions. An example of this is the right side of my brain loves “Armageddon” and the left side of my brain hates it. Understand? No? Picture the right side of my brain with a beer and the left with a martini, oh, or how about my right side is a ten year old, and the left is Roger Ebert.

Plot: Retired special agent Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) needs to get his old gang back together after he becomes the target of a government conspiracy. Shooting ensues.

(more…)

Sign of the Times

October 12, 2010

Note: I absolutely do hate myself for that headline.

The girlfriend (or long-time alliance partner) was running into our local Bank of America branch when I saw the parking sign you now see pictured to the left of this text. It was situated in a parking space next to the traditional handicap spaces and read, “Reserved for Low Emitting/Fuel Efficient Vehicles.”

I’d never seen anything quite like it.

(more…)

What Are You Supposed to Be, Some Kind of a Cosmonaut?

October 9, 2010

Being an adult kind of sucks. You don’t have any free time, everything you eat is trying to kill you, and holidays hit the toilet.

Think about it, have you ever had a Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/Festivus that was better than the ones you had as a kid? Doubtful. The beef jerky and Drakkar Noir I got last Christmas can’t hold a jug of moonshine to the “Dukes of Hazzard” slot car racing set that features a General Lee that jumps off a ramp I received in my youth.

Quick Note: Mom, I love you, but the Drakkar Noir has to stop. I haven’t worn it since Jr. High.

That being said, there is one holiday that doesn’t necessarily get worse. Halloween is still pretty awesome, but for much different reasons. When you were a kid, Halloween meant eating candy and getting to wear a cool costume. As an adult, Halloween means having a few soda pops and getting to see your female friends wear (as Madison Avenue now calls them) “sassy” costumes.

(more…)

Quick Question…

October 5, 2010

So, last Monday night at 11:59 pm ET I was in my local GameStop waiting to purchase a copy of “Dead Rising 2” for the XBox 360. GameStop holds these late-night release events for losers like me who can’t wait until the following morning to get their grubby hands on the latest release titles.

As I was in line waiting to get my copy of zombie-smashing goodness I saw a father enter with his eleven-year-old son. That struck me as peculiar, seeing as it was late on a school night. Also, the father was clearly buying the game for the tyke. If you’ll look at the graphic at the top of this post, you’ll notice “Dead Rising 2” is an “M” rated game and boasts all manner of horror and sexual themes. (Which, to be honest, is probably why I was buying it.)

So my question is this; is that guy the worst dad of all time or the coolest dad of all time?


%d bloggers like this: