Archive for October, 2010

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7 Reasons Why ‘Glee’ Annoys the Crap Out of Me

October 19, 2010

Some guys hate it when people break into random songs on stage or in movies.

Not this guy.

I’ve even broken into some random songs myself. During my time on stage I’ve stolen a courtesan from the House of Marcus Lycus, managed the oldest, established, permanent floating crap game in New York, and sexually harassed Marian the librarian at her place of business.

Not only that, I hopped on the college acapella bandwagon a few years ago. A quick look at my iPad will reveal songs by the Freshman Fifteen, the MIT Logarythms, and the Clef Hangers.

So, why don’t I love “Glee”? Well, I’ll tell you…

Note: Before we get into this mess, I realize you’re probably saying, “Gordon, why are you watching a show that drives you nuts?” To which I reply, “For the same reason I watch ‘Entourage,’ because I believe it has the potential to be really good.”

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Clarification Needed…

October 18, 2010

I’m going to apologize in advance in case what I’m about to ask ruins anyone’s day, but…

Reality star Khloe Kardashian and former WWE wrestler Chyna are the same person, right? Has anyone ever seen them passed out at the same D-list after party?

Anyone?

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‘Survivor: Nicaragua’ Castaway Interview – Tyrone Davis

October 14, 2010

Here are two little pieces of advice for anyone going on “Survivor” in the future…

1.    Don’t be the leader.
2.    Don’t eat more food than anyone else.

These two rules seem pretty basic, but every season several people fall into those traps. Unfortunately for Tyrone Davis, he found himself with a foot in each trap last night. I spoke with Tyrone the morning after his dismissal to get his thoughts on the work ethic of the younger tribe, Holly’s sanity, and of course, Chickengate.

Gordon Holmes: Were you blindsided last night?
Tyrone Davis: I predicted it. I knew it was going to be me or Yve because from the four remaining Espada members, we were the only threats. And Holly was a wayward vote because I knew she was crazy. I figured they’d probably get her. She’s like a blade of grass in the wind, she’s going to go whichever way.
Gordon: What was Holly like to have around camp?
Tyrone: She was a space cadet. She’s crazy. She needs to be on somebody’s couch. She’s like Lisa Kudrow’s character on “Friends.” She’s a dingbat, basically. She did things around camp, but she did say at one point she wanted out of there. She lasted longer than me, so she did something right.

Gordon: Last night they showed you laying down the law with the new Espada tribe. Was that an accurate portrayal?
Tyrone: Not at all. Any conversation was an open-ended conversation. I asked for input. They didn’t show that. But, they didn’t boil their water before they drank it, which I thought was crazy as hell. There could be parasites and whatever else. I said, “That’s cool, you don’t have to boil your water, but I’m still going to boil mine.” I tried to tell them the benefits of doing that. But, that’s the generation gap. We’re all adults, but there’s a difference.
Gordon: How big of an impact does that age difference have on tribal unity?
Tyrone: Definitely some impact. The Y2K kids, they have a sense of entitlement. The work ethic is different, the sense of honor and integrity is not there. On Espada we tried to work together more than the kids were. I work with kids as a teacher and a coach, but I don’t have kids of my own. Maybe there’s a technique that I missed along the way that could have been a benefit.
Gordon: Like smacking them upside the head?
Tyrone: No, I don’t mean like smacking them upside the head, but after watching the show there’s a couple of them that could use some discipline. Maybe they didn’t get enough hugs. Maybe I could have taken a more active role in connecting with them. I could’ve said, “It’s going to be OK, sweetie,” when NaOnka had her meltdown. I read through NaOnka more than anyone else there.
Gordon: What do you think her issue is?
Tyrone: I think her issue is insecurity. She probably didn’t get enough hugs as a kid. I don’t know, but I’m a little bit embarrassed for her. I’m not a doctor, but she’s probably attention starved.

Gordon: I’m fascinated with Jill and Marty. Who’s in control of that relationship?
Tyrone: I think it’s a two-sided relationship. Marty’s arrogance or sense of entitlement came off strong to everybody else. But, as far as who’s in control, they both have strong personalities.

Gordon: One of the main rules of “Survivor” is be careful with the food. You got grief over eating what Benry believed to be a large piece of chicken. Did you have any idea that people were taking that so seriously?
Tyrone: What happened was, I waited until everyone had their share. So, I ate what was left. And if you look at it, there wasn’t much left. I was gnawing on the bone, and there wasn’t much there. I didn’t get any more than anyone else. It’s not like I had a damn leg. And I find it ironic. OK, the black man is eating all the chicken.
Gordon: Why’s it got to be like that?
Tyrone: It is what it is, and I do eat a lot. People who know me know I eat a lot.
Gordon: You’re the biggest guy out there. You’re built like a WWE action figure.
Tyrone: (Laughs) That’s funny.
Gordon: What affect did the lack of food have on you.
Tyrone: I was doing better than most people out there. I’m a bachelor, sometimes I don’t eat for 24 hours at a time. I took it as a challenge.

Gordon: What was your relationship like with Jimmy T.?
Tyrone: I actually liked Jimmy T. He’s a decent guy, but he’s attention starved. I told him he was doing himself a disservice by carrying on the way he was carrying on. But, that’s who he is. Where he comes from, he’s the man, he’s the leader. But, he’s not where he comes from. He was annoying the daylights out of everyone else, but it was cool. I like the dude.

Gordon: OK, word association time. Let’s start with Jane.
Tyrone: Worker.
Gordon: Holly?
Tyrone: (Expletive deleted) dingbat.
Gordon: Yve?
Tyrone: I guess I would say unstable.
Gordon: Jimmy T. said “a lot of baggage” for Yve. What’s going on with Yve that we’re not seeing?
Tyrone: Yve is very unstable. From a couple of conversations, she’s got some psychological issues. When we meet everybody, we were talking about everybody’s careers and I said, “Are you a homemaker?” She’s like, “No! I’m a mother!” And I was like, “Whoa, sorry I offended you. What’s wrong with being a homemaker?” I thought that was an honorable thing. So, obviously she has some man issues. She can’t stand men, she’s done with men. She’s got some issues.
Gordon: Benry?
Tyrone: Crafty.
Gordon: Jimmy T.?
Tyrone: Insecure.
Gordon: Jimmy J.?
Tyrone: Fireman.
Gordon: Alina?
Tyrone: Conniving.
Gordon: NaOnka?
Tyrone: (Laughs) What is the word for her…troubled.
Gordon: Marty?
Tyrone: In the words of Jimmy T., he’s a prissy (expletive deleted).
Gordon: (Laughs)
Tyrone: That was funny!

Follow Gordon on Twitter for “Survivor” news: @gordonholmes

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Left/Right Review for ‘Red’

October 14, 2010

The popular theory is that the right side of the brain controls emotions, while the left side controls more analytical thinking. So the left side of my brain enjoys an intelligent story with creative execution, and the right side of my brain likes lightsabers, People’s Elbows, and explosions. An example of this is the right side of my brain loves “Armageddon” and the left side of my brain hates it. Understand? No? Picture the right side of my brain with a beer and the left with a martini, oh, or how about my right side is a ten year old, and the left is Roger Ebert.

Plot: Retired special agent Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) needs to get his old gang back together after he becomes the target of a government conspiracy. Shooting ensues.

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‘Survivor: Nicaragua’ Episode 5 Recap: The Grossest Challenge Ever

October 13, 2010

Alternate Headlines: Spit Happens or Wheely Disgusting

Last Week: NaOnka found an idol and picked a fight, Dan stood around, and Marty added another Jimmy to his hit list by taking out Jimmy Tarantino.

39 Days, 20 People, 1 “Survivor” Blog

Here are the tribes as they currently stand…

The La Flor Tribe aka The Young Tribe (wearing yellow)

•    Alina – 23, Art Student
•    Benry – 24, Club Promoter
•    Brenda – 27, Paddleboard Company Owner
•    Chase – 24, Race Car Jackman/Country Singer
•    Fabio – 21, Student
•    Kelly B. – 26, Medical Student
•    Kelly S. – 20, Nursing Student
•    NaOnka – 27, P.E. Teacher
•    Sash – 30, Real Estate Broker

The Espada Tribe aka The Older Tribe (wearing blue)

•    Dan – 63, Real Estate Executive
•    Holly – 44, Swim Coach
•    Jane – 56, Dog Trainer
•    Jill – 43, E.R. Doctor
•    Marty – 48, Technology Executive
•    Tyrone – 42, Fire Captain
•    Yve – 41, Homemaker

We meet up with Espada the morning after Tribal Council, and Marty is very pleased with how the game is going. By his math they’re set through at least the next three Tribal Councils. He says it’d take something extraordinary to disturb his plans now.

Over at La Flor, NaOnka tells us how happy she is with her alliance. Her hair looks good, her shoes look good, she has an idol. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

If this was the “Amazing Race” they’d cue that sound effect that tells you when someone is making a mistake.

Sure enough, we’re swept over to some kind of challenge set-up where Jeff tells the tribe to drop their buffs. (Jeff, what’d you say to me in Nicaragua about not always saying the same things?!)

Each of the players pulls a rock out of a bag to decide the new tribe captains. The winners are Brenda and Holly. That’s nice symmetry, the person playing the best game and the person playing the worst game will get to pick teams.

Brenda gets to choose three Espada players, while Holly gets to choose four La Flor players. Brenda chooses Marty, Jill, and Jane. Holly chooses Alina, Benry, Chase, and NaOnka.

Your new tribes are…

La Flor: Brenda, Kelly B., Kelly S., Fabio, Sash, Marty, Jill, Jane
Espada: Holly, Dan, Tyrone, Yve, Alina, Benry, Chase, and NaOnka

Wow, odd picks by Brenda. Is she trying to weed out who she thinks is the old Espada leadership?

Also, the Medallion of Power is no longer in play. Don’t act upset, you hated it.

NaOnka tells JPro that she’s upset that she’s losing some of her buddies. Yeah, I’m sure Fabio and Kelly B. are really upset about this.

Reward Challenge: Players will throw balls up a ramp, the balls will then roll down a Plinko-style board, hitting obstacles on the way down. Two members of the other tribe will try to catch the balls. The first side to drop a ball loses a point. First team to get three points wins a flock of chickens.

Jane gets a little ahead of herself yelling, “I’m gonna wring that neck on that chicken!” Way to make a good first impression there, Jane.

Not much to describe here. Espada wins the first point when the Biggest Bachelor in New York drops a ball. La Flor scores the next point when Tyrone drops one. Espada scores again when Marty and Marty’s amazing hair drop a ball. La Flor ties it up when Alina drops one. And finally Espada wins when Marty drops another ball.

Back at Espada camp, Tyrone is upset that his alliance is gone, but doesn’t mind that there are some lovely young ladies around camp. He also lays down the law as to how the Espada tribe does things.

NaOnka informs us that Tyrone is not a gangsta. Thanks, NaOnka.

And showing that crazy can attract crazy, NaOnka and Holly actually start to bond. Holly decides that she’s on the outs with the old Espada tribe and that she’s on board with whatever the youngsters want to do.

Over at La Flor, Fabio is “stoked” with his new tribe. He seems less stoked after Marty tells him how hard everyone worked over at Espada.

Jane then rats out Marty and Jill to the kids’ table saying, “They’re as tight as ticks, one of them humping the other one on the back.” She then uses her fingers to pantomime what tick intimate relations must look like.

This show needs more Jane and Fabio.

Next up, Fabio tells Marty about NaOnka tackling Kelly B. Marty says that’d never fly at Espada. He also claims to have not had to lie to anyone (I know a certain two-time Super Bowl champion who’d disagree with that). Then, he admits to everyone that he has an immunity idol.

Brenda doesn’t approve of this move as much as Jimmy T. did. She thinks this puts a huge target on his back.

Back at Espada, the rain is starting to pour down. NaOnka is concerned because when she gets cold and wet she starts to lose it. Too…many…jokes…

Apparently this is a big deal, she even tells Alina that she’s considering quitting. It’s nice to see Alina and NaOnka getting along. Maybe NaOnka’s hatred is specifically for people with less than two legs?

Chase joins the two of them and cheers NaOnka up by telling her a touching story about how he saw a rainbow on the day that his father passed away. It might have gotten a little dusty here at “Survivor” Central.

Immunity Challenge: Three players from each team will be strapped to a wheel. As the wheel rotates, their heads will dip into a trough. They’ll have to fill their mouths with water while they’re underwater. As they rotate to the top, they’ll spit the water into a funnel. Once the funnel is filled up with water a ball will be released. Another player on the tribe will take the ball and try to break a series of tiles. The first team to break all five tiles wins immunity.

OK, I’m going to go on record as saying I think this is the grossest challenge in “Survivor” history. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Gordon, they’ve been forced to eat bugs and drink blood on this show.” And that’s true, but all of those challenges were based on local customs and traditions. In this challenge they’re basically dunking their dirty, greasy, been-hanging-out-on-a-beach-for-two-weeks heads into a trough of water and taking a big gulp.

Fun Fact: You know the kid in every elementary school who has a weak stomach and pukes easily? At my elementary school that kid’s name was Gordon Holmes. This wasn’t an awesome challenge for me.

Maybe that wasn’t such a fun fact.

On the wheel for La Flor we’ve got Kelly B., Purple Kelly Purple, and Brenda. On the wheel for Espada we have Yve, Alina, and Holly.

La Flor’s strategy is to go as quickly as possible, while Espada’s is to go slow so they can spit more water into the funnel. Apparently Espada had the right plan as their ball is released first.

Tyrone and Benry are shooting for Espada. Jane and Fabio are shooting for La Flor. Somewhere in the distance Jimmy T. is screaming, “Put me in, Coach! I coulda beena contender!”

The tile breaking comes down to the final tile, with Fabio winning it for La Flor by hitting the final shot.

NaOnka tells us that she doesn’t want to quit and she doesn’t want her students to think she’s a quitter, but she’s thinking of quitting.

So…it’s OK for your students to think you’ll bully a one-legged woman?

Later that day, Espada is discussing whether or not to eat a chicken. Tyrone wants to keep the chickens for the eggs, everyone else wants to eat a chicken.

Tyrone says he’s not going to push the issue and isn’t going to “Gangsta it.” Which is good, cause NaOnka already told us he isn’t a gangsta.

Holly is annoyed that Tyrone stayed away during the killing and preparation of the chicken, but was first in line when it came time for eating the chicken. Benry also lets us know that Tyrone took the biggest piece of chicken.

“Survivor” always comes down to food. Every time.

That night at Tribal Council, Benry tells Jeff that he thinks Tyrone is the leader of Espada. Tyrone agrees that he is the leader and is happy to have the position.

Alina thinks that Tyrone treats the former La Flors like they’re children. She also threatens to hold her breath until he stops.

Jeff asks NaOnka to compare her time on “Survivor” with the most difficult thing to ever happen in her life. She says it’s been as rough as when she got a divorce. She thinks “Survivor” has been better because she has a support system.

Jeff tries to put Benry on the spot, asking if they’re OK with NaOnka quitting. Benry says he doesn’t know what Jeff is talking about. Jeff doesn’t believe him. Meow. Jeff can get away with that because he is gangsta.

Yve says she understands and that it’s a cause for concern when someone starts throwing around the q-word.

Voting Time: Tyrone votes for NaOnka, Benry votes for “The King of Espada” but the name he writes down isn’t shown, (he also knocks over the paperweight, which is hilarious), and the rest of the votes are super secret.

JPro gets his tally on, then returns. One vote for NaOnka, two votes for Tyrone, one vote for NaOnka, two votes for Tyrone, and the fifth person voted out of “Survivor: Nicaragua” is…Tyrone.

Verdict: First thing’s first; how is Dan still in this game?!

OK, that’s out of the way. I’m not a big fan of tribe swaps, but this season needs something to jump start it. Hopefully this will put it going in the right direction.

Who’s Going to Win? I’m sticking with Brenda until she makes a misstep.

Power Rankings Results: Yes! Coach and Randy Bailey had Tyrone in spot three while I called it, having Tyrone in spot sixteen. The current score is now Team Dragon Slayer 49, Team Truth Seeker 53.

Follow me on Twitter for breaking “Survivor” news: @gordonholmes

What Do You Think? How do you feel about tribe swaps? Should NaOnka be a teacher? Is there anyone to root for?

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‘Survivor: Nicaragua’ Power Rankings – Round 4

October 13, 2010

The Rules: Each week, “Survivor: Tocantins” and “Survivor: Heroes Vs. Villains” star Benjamin “Coach” Wade and XFINITY TV’s “Survivor” recapper Gordon Holmes will create separate power rankings. The ranking of the person who is voted out of the next episode will determine the number of points the two players will earn. For example, if Sash is voted out this week, Coach will receive 11 points and Gordon will receive 10 points. At the end of the season, the person or team with the most points will be named the “Survivor: Nicaragua” Power Rankings Challenge Champion.

Last Week: Marty added another Jimmy to his booting collection by sending Jimmy Tarantino home. Coach and “The King of Gabon” Randy Bailey won the round, having Jimmy T. in spot 16. Gordon was only one point behind as he had him in spot 15.

Now, let’s have a quick word with our competitors…

Benjamin “Coach” Wade: Since the King and I are ahead 3 rounds to nothing, and by 9 points (and since there is a flop in the tribes this week) we are simply flipping a coin and hoping that the “Survivor” Gods smile down favorably upon us. So, if the rankings seem a bit askance, that is the reason. Since there is obviously a tribal switch this week we are simply flipping the list with a flip of a coin and a roll of the dice. And with your luck, Mr. Holmes, you will lose by a larger margin.

Gordon Holmes: With my luck, I’ll break some of my fingers typing up my picks.

Randy Bailey: We also want to give you a chance to catch up so that we are not bored out of our minds by Halloween.

Benjamin “Coach” Wade: Uh oh, I know this better than anyone. “Pride cometh before the fall.” Hope this does not bode ill against our alliance.

And before we start this week’s contest, let’s honor the most recent castaway…

coach

Coach’s Requiem for Jimmy Tarantino: Man, I hated seein’ you go, Jimmy. Keep that mouth shut, wouldya? Whadyatalkinabout!!! BUT…you played with your heart and soul, man. If only I could have coached you out there. Told you to tone it down, let me go in front. I feel ya when you are frustrated with the current leadership. There were so many other dolts on your tribe that if you had just laid low you would have made it past the flop and past the merge. But oh, whata character. You were by far the most interesting guy in the game until now.

The King of Gabon’s Two Cents: No way I can rip another applicant like myself. You would still be in the game if your wife had sewn your lips shut.

TEAM DRAGON SLAYER

Current Score: 46

TEAM TRUTH SEEKER

Current Score: 37
naonka .. alina
#1: She’s got the idol and she’s not goin’ anywhere. And, if “Survivor” doesn’t work out she’s a MMA fighter in the making.
The King of Gabon’s Two Cents: Seeing a bit of a shift in her edit…going from funny cocky to arrogant cocky…she’s got three episodes left.		 #1: The people who benefit the most from tribe swaps? Swing votes from dominant tribes like Alina. She could put the former Espadas over vote wise and make a run for it Susie Smith style. (Sorry, Randy. Does that bring up bad memories?)
kellys . benry
#2: Who is this girl and when will we get a sexy confessional out of her?
The King of Gabon’s Two Cents: Nonexistent edit. We have to hear her speak before she gets voted out.		 #2: Blah blah, Benry. What can I say about you? You’re lying low and are performing well in challenges. I’m thinking you’re safe.
tyrone . kellys
#3: This guy has more one-liners than Samuel L. Jackson. I replayed the shot-calling scene with my eyes closed and swore I saw flashbacks of “Pulp Fiction.”
The King of Gabon’s Two Cents: He got some people.		 #3: Oh, Purple Kelly Purple. You’re physically fit, you’re not threatening to throw prosthetic legs in the fire, you’re a good alliance member. You’re gonna be just fine no matter where you end up.
alina . kellyb
#4: You seem in danger, therefore you are not.
The King of Gabon’s Two Cents: JP has been telling us for two weeks how much she is in danger. Give me a break.  Mid jury at least.		 #4: Hopefully the swap will give Kelly B. a chance to maneuver, cause things haven’t been good for her up to this point. But what does she do, cling to the former La Flors in her new tribe, or be a swing vote and join with the golden oldies?
kellyb . fabio
#5: Time to take off that leg and give NaOnka a beat down because of her mouth.
The King of Gabon’s Two Cents: Kelly and Alina are joined at the hip (no offense, Kelly)…..going with Alina to mid jury.		 #5: I’ve been petitioning the producers to allow me to grant immunity idols to players I want to stay in the game. When they finally come through, I’m sending three to Fabio. He cracks me up and is one of a handful of likable players left in this game.
fabio . chase
#6: Still lovin’ this guy. You are too likable to be going anywhere soon.
The King of Gabon’s Two Cents: Perfect alpha male to be killed with a tribal switch, but edit says he is safe.		 #6: I think Chase is going to be fine with the swap. Nobody really considers him to be the brains of his alliance, and they’ll want to keep him around for immunity strength.
yve . marty
#7: I want more more more. What’s the edit not showing us? Smarter than we think, I think.
The King of Gabon’s Two Cents: Sorry about the forehead comment last week.		 #7: Now that Marty’s number advantage is probably shot, he’d better put that “Daddy” gimmick of his on the back burner. If the whippersnappers think he was the leader of Espada he could be in trouble. However, last week’s preview makes me think he’s safe.
benry . jane
#8: Why weren’t you watching Chase when he went for the idol, and who is your alliance anyway?
The King of Gabon’s Two Cents: Your domination (or perceived domination) in last week’s challenge is concerning.  Call yourself Ben and I will like you.		 #8: Jane didn’t vote with the majority last week. But, lucky for her, that majority is becoming a minority with the swap. Jane’s crafty, she’ll find a way to swing this to her advantage.
jane . naonka
#9: I want to see more survival skills!
The King of Gabon’s Two Cents: Hope the switch puts you on a tribe with Dan.		 #9: I can’t imagine NaOnka’s trademark “fly off the handle at any little thing” strategy will be good for her if she loses her numbers advantage. However, she still has an immunity idol, so she’s safe for a bit.
brenda . sash
#10: Disappointed in how you handled Chase. Gotta get someone to trust you and stick with it, don’t flop before the flop.
The King of Gabon’s Two Cents: Keep a low profile so the attention is on Na…when she gets the boot start playing…I should have taken my own advice after Charlie was booted.		 #10: The swap could be bad news for Sash. I’m assuming it’s going to be one tribe of 3 Espadas/5 La Flors and one tribe of 4 Espadas/4 La Flors. Those aren’t good numbers for him. Outsiders like Alina, Kelly B., and Fabio could team with former Espadas to get out from under Sash’s alliance.
sash . brenda
#11: When’s the player going to start playing?
The King of Gabon’s Two Cents: You are safe…not sure about gay or straight though…waiting for Charlie to advise me.		 #11: (See Sash)
holly . holly
#12: At least you aren’t talking about quitting this time.
King of Gabon’s Two Cents: Time to throw Daniel and Jane under the bus and you will go deep.		 #12: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Holly might be in a good position in the game. The tribe swap could give her the same swing-vote flexibility that Alina has.
chase . yve
#13: Strong alpha males usually get weeded out before the merge.
The King of Gabon’s Two Cents: Reminds me of Aaron from China. The switch could destroy the strongest player in the game right now.		 #13: Here’s a behind-the-scenes tidbit from my time in Nicaragua: Yve doesn’t think much of Brenda.  She seemed to be writing Brenda off as a ditzy cheerleader before the game began. Yve should be very wary of Brenda if they end up on the same tribe. Shannon already learned that lesson.
jill . jill
#14: See Marty’s comments below.
The King of Gabon’s Two Cents: The edit has shown you as playing a great game…let’s hope this is not to show how a switch can kill the best player.		 #14: I’m noticing I have mostly Espada members on the bottom of my rankings, but that’s how flops tend to work. If Jill ends up on a tribe that has former Espada members who don’t like how close she is with Marty, she could be in trouble. It’d be a shame for her game to end like that.
marty . dan
#15: You WERE playing an incredible game. One of the smartest guys to play, initially. You are playing like an all-star. But the flop flips everyone.
The King of Gabon’s Two Cents: Hate to see him go, but it’s possible with the switch.		 #15: If Dan doesn’t end up on Marty’s tribe, he’s done. The tribe won’t put up with him not competing in challenges. Only cuties like Courtney Yates can get away with that move.
dan . tyrone
#16: See ya.
The King of Gabon’s Two Cents: “Dude still got ailments.”		 #16: Swaps never turn out super-well for strong guys who lose their numbers advantage. I’m thinking specifically of Marcus Lehman from Gabon and Aaron Reisberger from China. Right now Tyrone had better be hoping that the minority alliance is accepting applications.

Quick Note: Follow Gordon on Twitter for breaking “Survivor” news and updates.

What Do You Think: Who’s going to win this round; Team Dragon Slayer or Team Truth Seeker? Are tribe swaps unfair? Is there anyone left to root for this season?

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Sign of the Times

October 12, 2010

Note: I absolutely do hate myself for that headline.

The girlfriend (or long-time alliance partner) was running into our local Bank of America branch when I saw the parking sign you now see pictured to the left of this text. It was situated in a parking space next to the traditional handicap spaces and read, “Reserved for Low Emitting/Fuel Efficient Vehicles.”

I’d never seen anything quite like it.

(more…)

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What Are You Supposed to Be, Some Kind of a Cosmonaut?

October 9, 2010

Being an adult kind of sucks. You don’t have any free time, everything you eat is trying to kill you, and holidays hit the toilet.

Think about it, have you ever had a Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/Festivus that was better than the ones you had as a kid? Doubtful. The beef jerky and Drakkar Noir I got last Christmas can’t hold a jug of moonshine to the “Dukes of Hazzard” slot car racing set that features a General Lee that jumps off a ramp I received in my youth.

Quick Note: Mom, I love you, but the Drakkar Noir has to stop. I haven’t worn it since Jr. High.

That being said, there is one holiday that doesn’t necessarily get worse. Halloween is still pretty awesome, but for much different reasons. When you were a kid, Halloween meant eating candy and getting to wear a cool costume. As an adult, Halloween means having a few soda pops and getting to see your female friends wear (as Madison Avenue now calls them) “sassy” costumes.

(more…)

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‘Survivor’ Castaway Interview – Jimmy ‘Jimmy T.’ Tarantino

October 7, 2010

“If CBS was ever foolish enough to cast me in ‘Survivor,’ I would make it to the merge…easily.” – Gordon Holmes

I know what you’re thinking, that’s a pretty bold statement. But it’s true. I’ve seen every episode of “Survivor” and know the basic rules by heart; don’t be annoying, don’t be a leader, and don’t call people out. If you’re someone who can be useful in challenges, those three things are basically all you need to guarantee yourself a trip to Mergetown.

So why did Jimmy Tarantino, who is such a big “Survivor” fan that he had his entire town vote him into the game in the Sears Casting Call contest, make these rookie mistakes? I spoke with Jimmy T. the morning after his quick dismissal to find out why he ignored the three “Survivor” commandments, which Espada member is in love with Marty, and what he really thinks of Jimmy Johnson.

Gordon Holmes: How’s it going, Jimmy T.?
Jimmy Tarantino: Pretty good considering I got smashed last night.
Gordon: Indeed you did. However, it seemed like you picked up on how abrasive you were being during your farewell interview last night. Why didn’t you pick up on that sooner?
Jimmy T.: Jeez, in the game I didn’t think I was doing that, but certainly on TV they’re not going to show the days and days of building the shelter, or providing the food, or the stuff that’s less drama. I’d spend three days working hard, then five minutes after a challenge expressing that, “Hey, we’re not doing too well, why don’t you give me a shot?” But it sure seems like I did a heck of a lot more complaining than I actually did. I was just looking for a chance to right the ship.
Gordon: What could you have done differently in those challenges?
Jimmy T.: There was no question that in the beanbag toss that I would’ve won. I got to throw in ten tosses once I got in there and Tyrone had thrown about fifty. He actually got called out and wouldn’t come out of the game. Then when he finally did, I got about ten tosses and they were the longest tosses. I would’ve won that challenge, that’s a fact.
Gordon: So Jimmy Johnson did call for Tyrone to come out earlier and he wouldn’t come out?
Jimmy T.: There were a couple of times he called him out. He said afterwards that he didn’t hear it. So I yelled real loud, “Tyrone, give someone else a chance!” And he said “Be quiet, Jimmy T.!” So once again they’re portraying me as the squeaky wheel.

Gordon: You got onto the show by winning the Sears Casting Call contest. So, you’re obviously a big fan of the show. If you’re such a big fan, how did you not know that asking for a leadership role is usually a recipe for disaster?
Jimmy T.: I had the right plan going in. I planned to keep quiet and play it slow. But once I got in the game…I’m a hard-working person. I’m the kind of person who’s going to give 100%. It’s been working for me for 49 years to go in, work hard, and take a leadership role. It’s worked for me for 49 years quite successfully. So, it’s hard to not do that. If you play “Survivor,” you’ve gotta play with your head. And I played with my heart. We had misguided leadership and self-serving leadership and I tried to fight against it even though I knew it wasn’t in my best interest.
Gordon: At Tribal Council when Jeff Probst asked if you’d be willing to take a non-leadership role, you seemed very emotionally upset. Why did you take that so personally?
Jimmy T.: At that point I thought that I was going home no matter what happened. And I was overwhelmed with the fact that I had blown this opportunity. My family, my friends, everyone who had voted for me, I felt like I had let them down. So, at that point I was willing to say what I had to say to not get the vote.

Gordon: When we were in Nicaragua, you said your entire town had voted to get you into “Survivor.” I’m thinking this means you must be a popular fellow. Why didn’t that popularity translate into the game?
Jimmy T.: I know why it didn’t translate into the game. The game of “Survivor” isn’t like real life. If you do something nice for somebody in real life, they say, “Wow, that’s a nice guy. He’s considerate and thoughtful.”  But if you do something nice for somebody in “Survivor” they get on the defensive. You’re trying to help them start a fire and they’re like, “I know, I can do it!” They feel like you’re trying to show them up. Every act of kindness was resented. Marty accused me of being paranoid, but I think I was a victim of everybody else’s insecurities.
Gordon: So, if you played the game again you’d play it NaOnka-syle?
Jimmy T.: Absolutely not. If I play the game again, and I intend to play the game again because I have the skills and the color, the best thing to do is get in the back of the bus and let the other people drive it off the cliff and jump off right before it goes off the cliff.

Gordon: Speaking of someone who’s driving the bus off the cliff, did you have any idea that Marty and Jill were the power players within Espada?
Jimmy T.: Jill and I had an alliance from the very beginning that she wanted out of. She turned on me like a junkyard dog. I think she fell in love with Marty and from there on did whatever he said. You can see in the last couple of weeks she’ll express an idea and Marty shoots it down. He doesn’t want to hear another word about it and she says, “Whatever you say, you’re the puppet master.” So how can you go up against that?
Gordon: When I met Jill in Nicaragua she didn’t strike me as much of a follower. Do you think she could be playing Marty?
Jimmy T.: Absolutely not. She definitely isn’t playing him. When he talks in the tribe he was calm and collected and Jill bought it hook, line, and sinker. I remember pre-challenges her saying, “Marty can do it! How about Marty? Marty’d be good at that!” She was in love with Marty. I remember saying in the side interviews, “I hope Jill’s husband isn’t seeing this footage because she’s falling in love with this guy.”
Gordon: OK, when you originally said “falling in love” I thought you meant like when a male and female will form a non-romantic alliance like Russell and Parvati in “Survivor: Heroes Vs. Villains.” Do you really think Jill has a crush on Marty?
Jimmy T.: I really think she was smitten with him, absolutely. Watch the last shows and look at it in that way. One person in “Survivor” says, “I figured out the clue, go get it.” Who does that? And he says, “I don’t want to hear another word about it.” It’s like he’s scolding his wife and she says, “OK, you’re the puppet master.”
Gordon: Do you think she can’t resist his sweet haircut?
Jimmy T.: (Laughs) Definitely not the ‘do, man! Even my nasty locks weren’t as bad as his mad scientist look.

Gordon: It wasn’t a unanimous vote last night. Did you have any kind of alliance with Holly and Jane?
Jimmy T.: Yeah, they haven’t shown much of Jane. But she was genuine, she was a great worker. We were good friends. She told me she had an alliance with Holly and they weren’t tricked as much as the others to follow the bad leadership. Marty just wanted to keep his hand on the wheel. He can accuse me of being paranoid, but he was afraid I’d start winning challenges.
Gordon: Speaking of Holly, were there any repercussions that came out of her sinking Dan’s shoes? Because in the past something like that is a one-way ticket home.
Jimmy T.: (Laughs) When she first did it, everyone thought she was the next target. But we won that next challenge and you know how quickly things change in the game. In ten minutes things can change. And please make a note of that miraculous ricochet shot I hit to Tyrone (in the Hay Mate challenge) to save the line drive Marty hit to me with the shields. I don’t know if anybody saw that, but that never got any play time either.

Gordon: Will do. Alright, it’s time for you to join the proud pantheon of those who have participated in “Survivor” word association. Let’s start this off with Marty.
Jimmy T.: Self serving.
Gordon: Dan?
Jimmy T.: Weak.
Gordon: Holly?
Jimmy T.: Sincere but…Holly’s a tough one to figure out. Holly’s a good person but she’s flighty and easily upset. Watch her blink when she talks, she’s a very nervous person.
Gordon: Yve?
Jimmy T.: Yve is sad. Yve’s got a lot of baggage.
Gordon: Jimmy J.?
Jimmy T.: (Laughs) I don’t want to be mean! Everybody talks about his leadership, but that was 20 years ago. Right now he’s a haircut and a tie and a face that doesn’t have a lot of sincerity.
Gordon: Jane?
Jimmy T.: Real.
Gordon: Jill?
Jimmy T.: Pompous.
Gordon: Tyrone?
Jimmy T.: Tyrone a little more complex than one word. He’s a good person with good intentions.

Gordon: What has been the reaction around your town regarding your time on “Survivor”?
Jimmy T.: It’s been incredible. I never was on Facebook, I’m kind of a caveman, I don’t have a cell phone. But I have a lot of friends in the community. The outpouring has been incredible. And on Facebook every second I get a new message, “We love you, Jimmy T.,” “We love you,” “Great job, you stayed true to who you are,” “Screw Marty, I’d like to beat his…” Every second, faster than every second there’s been support and love from my community.

Gordon: What do you take from your time in Nicaragua?
Jimmy T.: If I take anything from this experience, it’s the love from my friends, family, and everyone in the community.

Twitter: Follow me on Twitter for “Survivor” news and more – @gordonholmes

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‘Survivor: Nicaragua’ Episode 4 Recap: Lead, Follow, or Whine About It

October 6, 2010

Last Week: Benry completed ten passes to lead La Flor to victory, NaOnka nailed Kelly B. with an illegal chop block, and Marty pulled a quarterback sneak that sent Jimmy Johnson to the showers.

39 Days, 20 People, 1 “Survivor” Blog

Here are the tribes as they currently stand…

The La Flor Tribe aka The Young Tribe (wearing yellow)

•    Alina – 23, Art Student
•    Benry – 24, Club Promoter
•    Brenda – 27, Paddleboard Company Owner
•    Chase – 24, Race Car Jackman/Country Singer
•    Fabio – 21, Student
•    Kelly B. – 26, Medical Student
•    Kelly S. – 20, Nursing Student
•    NaOnka – 27, P.E. Teacher
•    Sash – 30, Real Estate Broker

The Espada Tribe aka The Older Tribe (wearing blue)

•    Dan – 63, Real Estate Executive
•    Holly – 44, Swim Coach
•    Jane – 56, Dog Trainer
•    Jill – 43, E.R. Doctor
•    Jimmy T. – 48, Commercial Fisherman
•    Marty – 48, Technology Executive
•    Tyrone – 42, Fire Captain
•    Yve – 41, Homemaker

We meet up with the elders after Tribal Council. The rain is falling and everyone looks miserable. This doesn’t stop Jimmy T. from using some football analogies to explain why they were right to get rid of Jimmy J. It also doesn’t stop him from butchering Tom Petty’s “An American Girl” and annoying the rest of the tribe.

Marty lets us know that all you need to do is give Jimmy T. enough rope and he’ll hang himself. If this is true, I’m taking up a collection right now to buy Jimmy T. enough rope.

Note: Did you know “Survivor” wasn’t going in three-day increments anymore? You learn something new every day.

The following morning, the “Survivor” foreshadowing crew shows how rocky and tumultuous the Nicaraguan sea has become. Surely, rough times are ahead for the seventeen remaining Survivors.

Dan is having a rough time as his sneakers are starting to fall apart. He also says if they get any hungrier they’ll have to eat his foot. Smart strategy as I doubt he could get much slower in challenges.

Meanwhile on “Kid Nation,” (oh wait, that’s La Flor’s camp) NaOnka has made her first smart move of the season and has given Brenda the clue so she can decipher it. Brenda, again proving that my pre-game impression of her was totally off base, figures out the clue and uncovers the idol. NaOnka hides the idol in her sock…which is actually Fabio’s sock. So…maybe the idol is technically his?

NaOnka also threatens to throw Kelly B.’s prosthetic leg into the fire. Jaison Robinson is still bitter that Russell Hantz burned his socks, imagine if Russell had burned his whole leg.

Kelly B. and Alina go looking for the idol on their own. NaOnka knows their search will be fruitless, but decides to mess with them anyways. NaOnka confronts the duo and starts talking trash. Her goal in all of this is apparently to get Kelly B. to quit so she won’t become a member of the jury. She may also be trying to get Kelly B.’s lunch money.

That night we meet up with Espada as they’re having a team meeting. Marty introduces an action item that nominates Tyrone as the team leader at challenges. Shockingly, Jimmy T. has a problem with this.

Quick Aside: Marty’s hair is awesome. It’s like no two hairs go in the same direction.

In a confessional, Jimmy T. tells us how easygoing he is. He then proves how easygoing he is by calling Marty a “preppy, little b—h.”

The following morning we see a very depressing sight as the howler monkeys are calling out…and there’s no Jimmy J. to respond to them. Sad.

Reward and Immunity Challenge: One person from each tribe will be calling out directions while the rest of the tribe is blindfolded. The blindfolded players will have to retrieve 10 items and return them to the tribe’s mat. Once the team has all 10 items, they’ll have to send a pair of blindfolded players out to find a set of keys. Those keys will unlock a chest. First team to unlock their chest and return it to the mat wins immunity and three groups of items from Sears.

Sears: Life. Well Spent.

The Sears items include tools, a tarp, fishing kits, and an XBox 360.

I may have made that last item up.

Medallion of Power Advantage: If the MoP is used, La Flor will start with two items on their mat. La Flor elects to use the mystical power of the MoP.

Dan will sit out for Espada while the two Kellys will sit out for La Flor. (Aww…that’s one Kelly short of my favorite Woody Boyd song.)

Three “Survivor” points for whoever gets that reference.

Note: “Survivor” points have no cash value.

Brenda will be the caller for La Flor, Tyrone will be the caller for Espada.

True to form with all “Survivor” blindfold challenges, there are some spectacular wipeouts. Fabio and Marty in particular find themselves eating Nicaraguan soil.

The challenge starts off, and La Flor jumps out to a huge lead. Tyrone is getting very frustrated as it seems like Jimmy T. isn’t listening to him. Brenda must be doing something right, because the youngsters retrieve all of their items well ahead of Espada. After that, Chase and Sash seem to have little trouble retrieving the keys and their tribe’s chest. La Flor wins immunity and reward. They choose the fishing gear, a tarp, and kitchen supplies.

During the post-game wrap up, Jimmy T. again complains about not being used enough in the challenges. How Tyrone doesn’t stand up and smack him upside the head, I’ll never know.

Back at La Flor, Chase discovers a hidden immunity clue in the tackle box. He decides to share it with Brenda because he trusts her. She obviously trusts him so much that he has no clue that it has already been found. She eventually fesses up and tells Chase that NaOnka has the idol.

Politicking around Espada centers around Jimmy T. vs. Dan. Holly, Tyrone, and Jane both want Dan to go home. They like him, but worry that he’s a weak link in challenges. Jill wants Dan to go home too, but Marty argues that Dan is their swing vote.

Meanwhile, Jimmy T. is making the case that he isn’t getting enough play in the immunity challenges…again. Yve humors him but lets us know that she wouldn’t coddle her kids as much as she just coddled Jimmy T. Oh…mom burn!

That night at Tribal Council, Tyrone tells JPro that he thinks their immunity challenge plan worked out well. Probst immediately calls him on this.  Oh…3-time Emmy-winning host burn!

Dan tells us that his knee won’t allow him to perform in the mud. Probst points out that they’re currently in a rainforest. Man, JPro is on fire tonight.

Jimmy T. argues that the tribe should mix things up. Shockingly, his idea of mixing it up involves putting him in charge of an immunity challenge. Marty tells Probst that he isn’t interested in having Jimmy T. lead a challenge.

Holly actually has Jimmy T.’s back and thinks he deserves a chance. Too bad Holly hasn’t been super high on this season’s sanity scale.

Probst asks Jimmy T. if he’s willing to take a non-leadership role. Jimmy T. looks like he’s about to cry, but eventually agrees to fall in line.

Voting Time: Holly votes for Dan (and apologizes for sinking his shoes), Dan votes for Jimmy T., Jimmy T. votes for Dan, Marty votes for Jimmy T., and the rest of the votes are lost to the magic of editing.

Probsty does his tallying thing and returns. Three votes for Dan, four votes for Jimmy T., and the fourth person voted out of “Survivor: Nicaragua” is…Jimmy T.

Verdict: OK, Jimmy T. got onto the show by winning the Sears Put Me on “Survivor” Contest (that’s probably not the official name). So obviously, he’s got to be a big fan of the show. That being said, how did he not know his annoying ways were going to lead to a quick dismissal? And while we’re on this topic, Jimmy T. won that contest because he got his entire town to vote for him. So, he must be a popular guy. Why didn’t that translate into “Survivor”? Or, is it possible his town voted for him because they knew it would get him out of town for a few months?

As far as the show goes, this episode was pretty dull. The “Hurricane NaOnka” we were promised in the preview was barely a tropical depression. And are we ever going to see separate reward challenges again?

Who’s Going to Win? Brenda’s a machine. She has a strong alliance, she has NaOnka and Chase’s full trust, she can decipher immunity clues, she led La Flor to an immunity victory, she looks awesome in a yellow bikini…

Power Rankings Results: Coach and Randy Bailey win another round. They had Jimmy T. in spot sixteen while I had him in spot fifteen. The current score is now Team Dragon Slayer 46, Team Truth Seeker 37.

Follow me on Twitter for breaking “Survivor” news: @gordonholmes

What Do You Think? Would you have voted for Dan or Jimmy T.? Has NaOnka gone too far with her bullying? What affect do you think next week’s tribe swap will have on the game?

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