More Whatnot

Michael Jefferson and Christina Cha (CBS)

Quick Aside: So…last season was named after a Broadway musical and this season was named after a Police song. If they name the next two seasons “Survivor: St. Louis Cardinals” and “Survivor: Wrestlemania” they will have covered all of my interests.

39 Days, 18 People, 1 “Survivor” Blog

Let’s meet the two tribes…

The Salani Tribe (wearing teal)
Alicia –  25, Special Ed Teacher
Chelsea – 26, Medical Sales
Christina – 29, Career Consultant
Kat – 22, Timeshare Rep
Kim – 29, Bridal Shop Owner
Kourtney – 29, Motorcycle Repair
Monica – 41, Ex-NFL Player’s Wife
Nina – 51, Retired LAPD Officer
Sabrina – 33, High School Teacher

The Manono Tribe (wearing orange)
Bill – 28, Stand-Up Comedian
Colton – 21, College Student
Greg – 64, Plastic Surgeon
Jay – 25, Model
Jonas – 37, Sushi Chef
Leif – 27, Phlebotomist
Matt – 33, Attorney
Michael – 30, Banker
Troy – 50, Swimsuit Photographer

Set your DVR to record “Survivor: One World”

This party gets started with J-Pro hovering above our 18 new castaways in a chopper. He gets a chopper, they have to travel by rickety old truck. I can appreciate this. Let ‘em know who’s boss.

Colton lets us know that women adore him and men aren’t threatened by him. Alicia lets us know that any man that falls for her is in big trouble. While Jonas lets us know that he has mysterious sushi chef skills.

Maybe he’s gonna roll over the competition? Roll…you know…like sushi. Gimme a break, it’s been a few months…

They all arrive in the same location and Kourtney (complete with million-dollar smile and ten-cent hat) thinks she doesn’t fit in with the rest of the women. Well, that’s a wonderful way to make friends.

Colton is psyched to be on a season with so many handsome fellas.

Greg tells Jeff that he wants to be known as “Tarzan.” Then, Troy makes it known that he’s to be referred to as “Troyzan.” Wow, we’re three minutes into this season and I’m already annoyed with two guys.

Probsty then breaks the news that the tribes will be divided by gender. Colton is not pleased. Do you need a joke there or can we move on?

Note: The male tribe has orange buffs and Jeff is wearing an orange hat. Hmm…

Next up, the tribes will have 60 seconds to take whatever they can off of the rickety truck. Just like the beginning of “Survivor: Tocantins.”

During the mad dash for gear, Michael decides to steal the ladies items. Chivalry isn’t just dead, Michael just beat it to death with a axe.

Fun Fact: Michael is a banker. Feel free to make your own “thieving banker” metaphor.

I can’t say I’m a fan of this move. Even if the ladies don’t know immediately who took all their stuff, one of the other guys will eventually rat him out when given a chance. But hey, it worked for Rupert Boneham.

Anywho, the guys have a ton of stuff and the women are left with some coconuts and a broken X-Box controller. Jeff gives them both maps and sends them on their merry way. But wait…aren’t they supposed to be on the same beach…

On the way to the camp, Alicia breaks down her five-person alliance. She has it pegged as herself, Sabrina, Kim, Chelsea, and Kat. Man, they don’t waste any time.

The ladies arrive at the camp first and are a bit shocked to see the two tribe flags waiting for them. Dun dun dun… It takes some time, but eventually everyone figures out that the words “One World” on their buffs probably means that they’re living on the same beach.

A pair of chickens foolishly wanders into camp. Chelsea shows that she’s not to be messed with by capturing both of them single-handedly. The men think they should get one, but she disagrees. She’s willing to give one up in exchange for something. Matt doesn’t like this deal because he claims they agreed to split the chickens during some pre-chicken-chase agreement.

Both tribes get to work building their shelters. Well, everyone except Colton. He makes it a point to become besties with the SaLadies. This doesn’t seem like a smart move because, you know, they can’t vote him out.

Matt thinks Colton had better bond with the male side quickly or he’s going to be the first one gone. He also already has an alliance with Jay, Michael, and Bill. Your math is a bit off their, Matt, you’re going to need one more.

Jay manages to get a fire going later that day. Sabrina makes an offer to trade fire for a chicken. Matt turns down this offer because he thinks the women already owe him a chicken.

And it just gets worse from there…Alicia literally tries to steal some fire. Then Tarzan and Troyzan (I hate typing that) say they can have fire if they strip and do a pole dance.

Wow! So much bad strategy and it’s only the first day. I’m ready to call “One World” a success.

That night, Christina and Monica go all “Ocean’s 11” on the guys’ camp and steal an ember. However, they weren’t able to keep the fire going. In other news, Salani’s ineptitude is making my girlfriend bang her head against the wall.

So, Christina makes a deal with the guys; fire in exchange for twenty woven fronds. As Kevin Costner would say, “Good trade.” Alicia doesn’t dig Christina making nice with the guys and pegs her to be the first one to go.

Later, Sabrina does a little idol hunting. In pure Hantzian fashion, she manages to find one immediately. Unfortunately for her, it’s a Manono idol. The rules state that she has to hand if off before the next Tribal Council. She decides that it’s best to use it in a way that hurts Manono, so she’s considering giving it to Colton.

Immunity Challenge Time: Players will jump from a tower into a net. They’ll then race across a balance beam and a rope bridge. The first team to get all of their players to the end wins immunity and flint.

The challenge starts off and the men jump out (no pun intended) to a solid lead. Also, it looks like Kourtney did a number on her wrist while falling into the net.

Probst decides to stop the challenge when she lets him know that she’s dizzy and can’t stand up. Medical is called in, and they think that her wrist is possibly broken. They need to take her out of the game for an X-ray.

Once she’s gone, Probst declares that since the rules require nine people to finish the challenge, the men have technically won. However, he’ll let the men ignore that rule and continue the challenge. Probst also not-so-subtley points out that continuing the challenge could help them win favor with the women.

The guys have a bro-pow-wow and decide to take the win.

This is already one of the weirdest episodes ever.

Back at camp, Sabrina gives Colton the Manono idol. He claims he’s going to use it to cut Matt’s throat faster than Taylor Swift can write a song about her ex-boyfriend.

I didn’t make that up. That’s an exact quote.

It feels like we’re running out of time here. I’m thinking Kourtney and her smile and her hat aren’t coming back.

That night at Tribal Council; Jeff, fire, equals life, you know the drill.

Probsty also says they’ll talk about Kourtney later. Yeah, she’s done.

Quick Note: The Tribal Council set looks awesome.

Christina and Alicia get into it over the fire-for-fronds trade. It’s kind of hard to understand what exactly Alicia is upset about. However, it wasn’t hard to understand Christina when she said, “It’s because you’re wrong. So, shut up!”

While this is going on, Kim buries her face in her hands like she’s an eight-year-old and mom and dad are fighting at the dinner table over burnt meatloaf.

Finally J-Pro tells us that Kourtney’s wrist is broken in a few places and she’s out of the game. Since she’s gone, they won’t vote somebody out.

Verdict: One World is weird, right? Not bad weird, just needs-some-time-to-get-used-to-it weird.

Who’s Going to Win? Every season I curse someone by making them my pre-game pick to win the whole thing. This season, it’s poor Jonas. I expect he’ll be voted out next week.

Power Rankings Update: In keeping with this season’s women vs. men theme, I’ve drafted some “South Pacific” gentlemen to go head to head with a trio of “South Pacific” ladies. To start off, next Tuesday I’ll square off against the lovely and talented Dawn Meehan.

Any Questions? Drop me a line on Twitter: @gordonholmes