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‘Survivor: South Pacific’ Power Rankings – Week 4

October 11, 2011

The Rules: Each week our two combatants will create separate power rankings. The ranking of the person who is voted out of the next episode will determine the number of points the two players will earn. For example, if Whitney is voted out this week, Andrea will receive 6 points and Gordon will receive 3 points. Also, each player will pick who they think will win at Redemption Island. If they choose correctly they will receive a bonus point. At the end of the season, the person with the most points will be named the “Survivor: South Pacific” Power Rankings Challenge Champion.

Last Week: Both Andrea and Gordon had Stacey in spot fifteen and Christine winning at Redemption Island for a total of sixteen points each. The score is now Team Boehlke 48, Team Holmes 49.

Fun Fact: Andrea is a fan of the Milwaukee Brewers and Gordon is a fan of the St. Louis Cardinals. This development is the latest in a long list of reasons why Gordon dislikes Andrea.

Wanna Play? Tag Gordon (@gordonholmes) in your own Twitter Power Rankings. If you do better than Gordon does, (which is highly likely) he’ll give you credit in his weekly recap.

teamboehlke . TEAMHOLMES
Current Score: 48

Got any advice for Andrea? Drop her a line on Twitter.

 . Current Score: 49

Got any advice for Gordon? Drop him a line on Twitter.
albert . albert
#1 Albert: Just. Can’t. Seem. To. Move. Albert. Down. Even if he is a snorer. Reasons? See first 3 power rankings. . #1 Albert: Gotta love Albert…the strong, silent type. Well, except for the snoring. And I’m assuming he’s silent; the editors never show him talking. But he’s definitely strong. Super strong even. That’s all I have to say.
kEITH . kEITH
#2 Keith: Keith is like, the Savaii Albert and therefore should not be touched until merge. K thx bye. . #2 Keith: After last week’s exit interview, Papa Bear hinted that there might be a bit of a showmance going on between Keith and Whitney. That strategy has only ever paid off once in this show (“Boston” Rob and Amber Mariano).
COACH . WHITNEY
#3 Coach: This C.R.A.B.S. master has a firm grip of his tribe and is trying his darndest to keep paranoia (aka Brandantz aka Brandon Hantz) under control. The only thing that he doesn’t know about is that Brandantz told Edna she isn’t a part of the core alliance. But Edna doesn’t really have any numbers besides Edna, so….yeah. . #3 Whitney: But on the other hand, the one time the showmance strategy did work out they ended up with two million dollars, appearances on “The Amazing Race,” beautiful kids, a show on the History Channel…
SOPHIE . SOPHIE
#4 Sophie: We didn’t hear much from Sophie this week, but that is because she is a silent assassin and working her magic within the C.R.A.B.S. alliance. Silent is another word to add on to last week’s brilliant Sophie alliteration. . #4 Sophie: During our pre-game interview, Sophie said that she wanted to be the head of a braintrust like the janitor in “Scrubs.” Since the editors aren’t showing much of her, I’m assuming that’s exactly what she’s doing.
RICK . RICK
#5 Rick: We found out this episode that Rick isn’t into Albert’s snoring. Oh Rick, stop kidding yourself. You are a snorer if I ever saw one! You are basically the poster child/man for snoring! Anyway, Rick is silent and safe this week. . #5 Rick: I’m always excited when I reach the point in the season where I don’t have to look at the cast list anymore while writing these rankings. I was almost there this week, except I forgot about Rick. Ahem…SHOW MORE RICK!
WHITNEY . COACH
#6 Whitney: Purple Whitney is sitting pretty for now. She is still in the random 3+2 pretty people alliance (which is actually crumbling as we just found out), but she isn’t a target this week like her bud Elyse. Apparently you can snuggle up to Keith, but not Ozzy. Note taken. . #6 Coach: Coach did a fantastic job talking Brandon down after his little meltdown last week. So, why am I bumping the Dragon Slayer down? Because I think it’s odd that he’s so tied to such a loose cannon. That might land him in some trouble.
JIM . JIM
#7 Jim: Jim is thinking outside of the 3+2 alliance now that he sees Elyse cozying up to the Oz. I would too—PDA is gross if you’re not a part of it. (Especially Jungle PDA!) I have my fingers crossed that this is a breakout episode for Jim and crazy things are going to happen over at Savaii. . #7 Jim: It looks like Jim is prepared to ditch his ill-advised “Three Plus Two” strategy. I think that’s wise. Going to the end of the game with Keith and Ozzy would have been a disaster for him. My only worry for him is that Cochran is a big fan of the big move. That could burn Jim later.
BRANDON . DAWN
#8 Brandon: Brandon sure knows how to keep things interesting. And by interesting I mean ‘loca.’ And by ‘loca’ I mean he is a hot mess. However, Coach seems to be taking Brandon under his wing and still recognizes him as a useful part of the tribe. Brandon may still be in the C.R.A.B.S. but it’s only a matter of time until Coach is only left with a S.C.A.R. . #8 Dawn: Nice to see Dawn pull out a big win last week. I know it meant a lot to her to get in there and show what she could do after being cut from “Redemption Island.” She’s in a pretty good spot too as she’ll be the swing vote if Jim starts shaking things up at Savaii.
OZZY . OZZY
#9 Ozzy: Things are just not looking good for Ozzy. The more comfortable he gets, the more in trouble he is. He doesn’t know that Keith told people about his idol. He also has no idea that Jim is scheming behind his back. Scandal is a brewing and Ozzy better catch wind of it pronto. . #9 Ozzy: With all of the unrest at Savaii camp, Ozzy had better hope that Whitney was the only person Keith told about his idol. Right now it looks like Jim and Cochran will boot Elyse first, but that could change if they’re worried about him hitting the merge with an idol.
COCHRAN . COCHRAN
#10. Cochran: Now that Jim is reaching out to him, he may have an edge on Dawn. Is this Cochran’s breakout episode? He somehow finds a way to avoid being voted out every week. Some say luck, I say skill. . #10 Cochran: I’m still not 100% positive that Jim isn’t messing with you…although why would he?
Mikayla . EDNA
#11. Mikayla: Mikayla sure is hard to place. She isn’t in the core alliance but seems to have gotten into better graces with her tribe, errrrr with Brandon. As long as Edna keeps talking about Buffalo, Mikayla may be safe. . #11 Edna: They made it seem like Edna was in trouble last week, but I can’t imagine Coach would send his ace in the hole packing. Either way, I’m moving her down in the rankings just in case I’m wrong about that.
ELYSE . BRANDON
#12. Elyse: It’s hard out there for a hot girl. In most seasons it helps to be an attractive girl, but in this season you are apparently cursed. Elyse may very well be on the chopping block and have no idea. This could be the “Best. Blindside. EVER!” Please note that this is a quote, not my words. . #12 Brandon: How on Earth did Stacey get to Brandon? When somebody is obviously on their way out of the game, they’ll say anything to survive. That’s ‘Survivor’ 101. And yet somehow Brandon fell for it. Something about the Samoan air must be messing with this kid’s head.
EDNA . Mikayla
#13 Edna: So apparently Edna is annoying the tribe and is REALLY interested about buffalo hunting. She also has wind that she isn’t part of the main alliance, but is it just a little too late? The one thing she has going for her is that Coach is the one person not annoyed by her antics, and it seems as if Coach is calling the shots. . #13 Mikayla: How is Mikayla still on the outside looking in at the majority alliance? Have we seen Mikayla talking strategy with anyone? This leads me to believe that she might still suffer after the fallout of Brandon-gate.
DAWN . ELYSE
#14 Dawn: I love Dawn, and I love that she is Dawnminating these challenges, but I just don’t know how she is going to stick around if she doesn’t find an alliance with numbers. I’m really pulling for Dawn this week, and I am hoping that Jim is conducting some awesome blindside. For Dawn’s sake, please! . #14 Elyse: It’s always a little sad when an alpha male’s gal pal gets voted out. What’d she ever do? If it was after the merge she’d be OK, but Savaii can’t afford to lose Ozzy’s challenge strength right now.
GORDON . ANDREA
#15 Gordon: Just not cutting it this week. First he steals my C.R.A.B.S.  Then he’s all like, “I’m the puzzle guy, I’m the puzzle master!” Nobody cares, Gordo. And did you see the secret scene where he filled my shoes with dead fish? Ughh..the nerve! Gordon? Pshhh. More like GorGONE. . #15 Andrea: Dude. You don’t get to just add me to the power rankings whenever you want. Now, I have to make rankings graphics for us. (See above) And I always give you credit when I use C.R.A.B.S. in my recaps. And you never save me any crispy rice! I LOVE the crispy rice!
CHRISTINE . CHRISTINE
Redemption Island Pick – Christine: Christine wins. Hey, get out of her way—she is pullin’ a Matt! . Redemption Island Pick – Christine: Stacey proved she’s super strong last week, but Christine has the one-on-one-challenge experience edge. So…I’m going to stick with Christine.

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‘Survivor’ Castaway Interview: Mark ‘Papa Bear’ Caruso

October 6, 2011

In “Goldilocks and the Three Bears,” a blonde degenerate breaks into Papa Bear’s peaceful home, eats his food, and breaks his kid’s furniture.

In “Survivor” a poker player makes an alliance with Papa Bear, swears on his aunt’s life, then votes him out of the game.

I spoke with Samoa’s version of Papa Bear the morning after he was eliminated from Redemption Island and learned about the origin of his colorful nickname, his alliance (and blow-up) with Jim, and the poorly-designed shelter that nearly wiped out his entire tribe.

Gordon Holmes: What’re the rules on the nickname? I called you Mark in Samoa, but Papa Bear is how you’re known. Can I call you Papa Bear?
Mark “Papa Bear” Caruso: Absolutely, Gordon.
Holmes: I’m always interested in how the public reacts to Survivors when they leave the show, but I think it’s probably safe to assume that they’re all fond of you.
Papa Bear: I was just telling (a CBS Representative) that people on the street who recognize me, nobody calls me Mark. They all scream, “Papa Bear!” I have such a cartoon-type attitude; I say back, “Hey, how are you doing?!” I love people, that’s how I am.
Holmes: I do, however, have an issue with you giving yourself that nickname. That’s a bit of a social faux pas.
Papa Bear: Oh please.
Holmes: We’ll let it slide though.
Papa Bear: You know what’s funny, Gordon? That wasn’t my intention. Mark Anthony is my name. Mark Anthony Michael Caruso. They threw as many Italian names into my name as possible when I was born. It just merged into Papa Bear when I was on that team, because look at the team I was on! They were all young people. Even Dawn is younger than me. They were looking at me as that figure anyway. So, how I got voted off I thought that was strange.

Holmes: Speaking of how you were voted off, they acted like it was either you or Cochran…
Papa Bear: I was a cop for twenty years, I was a detective, I have a listening skill. There are little things in the things people say. Even a joke. There are hidden truths in jokes. When we lost with Semhar, Whitney says, “Don’t worry, Papa Bear, you’re safe.” And I was like, “Why would I have to worry that I was safe?” So, when we lost (last week) Whitney didn’t say anything. I thought, “Oh crap, I’m in trouble!”
Holmes: Was there any potential to make a move to save yourself?
Papa Bear: I went to John (Cochran) and said, “You and I, brother, we’re in trouble.” And I grabbed Dawn and Elyse, cause they were talking about taking different people out. I tried to shake it up, but it didn’t work out. It’s like they got comfortable in their spots. That’s when I went for the idol.
Holmes: Did you have any idea that Ozzy had already found it?
Papa Bear: I didn’t know Ozzy had the idol, but I found the clue. They didn’t show that. It was in the water well. It was hidden behind there.

Holmes: Dawn had a great moment last night, and Semhar seemed to be a big Dawn fan. What’re your thoughts on her play thus far?
Papa Bear: Dawn is a very honest woman. She said, “You know, Papa Bear, I’m going to vote for you if the group votes for you. I don’t want to.” And I in turn said to Dawn, “If the group is going for you, I’d go for you also.” So we had that understanding with each other and that’s a cool thing.
Holmes: Semhar had some less-than-kind words for Jim. What were your thoughts on him?
Papa Bear: We had a huge blowout on the beach. He was saying, “I have your back, we’re cool.” And he broke the alliance.
Holmes: To join with Ozzy and the rest?
Papa Bear: Jim is playing the game. Jim is a poker player as we found out now. One thing I can say for him is; when he got caught, he got caught. In other words, when I went up to him I said, “You’re voting against me, I know it because I was listening to you.” And he said, “Papa Bear, I…I.” And I said to him,” You’re voting for me and you promised me on your aunt’s life you weren’t going to vote on me.” And he says, “I’ve gotta take that back.” So at least he took that back. I voted for him. I knew he wasn’t going to go home, but I wanted to give him a slap across the face with that vote. But I don’t hold anything against Jim. I understand it’s a game. I don’t walk away with any bad feelings.
Holmes: That’s a great attitude to have. A lot of people walk away with hurt feelings. And some people hold onto that for a long time.
Papa Bear: It’s not the things that go wrong in your life, it’s the things that go right in your life. That’s what you hold on to. I’m looking forward to the future. I’m going to dedicate time to charities. And if I can sign an autograph that’s going to help a sick kid or an animal shelter, I’m going to do it. I want to do that. And of course we could have a commercial with Papa Bear in it. (Laughs) I’m kidding, why would you want Papa Bear in a commercial?
Holmes: Why wouldn’t you?!
Papa Bear: Yeah, why wouldn’t you?! You want Papa Bear in a Home Depot commercial or a Dunkin’ Donuts commercial.

Holmes: Alright, before you kick off your advertising career, let’s do some word association. Let’s start with Keith.
Papa Bear: Fantastic.
Holmes: Elyse?
Papa Bear: Sneaky.
Holmes: Cochran?
Papa Bear: Dangerous.
Holmes: Whitney?
Papa Bear: Not trustworthy.
Holmes: Dawn?
Papa Bear: Angel.
Holmes: Ozzy?
Papa Bear: (Laughs) Asleep.
Holmes: And let’s finish with Jim.
Papa Bear: I would say…not loyal.

Holmes: I came to visit Savaii beach on day two and was a little shocked to see that you guys didn’t have a shelter. What was behind that decision?
Papa Bear: We had a shelter on day one, but it collapsed. It was built, and all eight of them got into the shelter and there was no room for me. So, I was like screw these (expletive deleted) I’m not going in there. And the second I said that the whole thing collapsed with all eight of them. And to tell you, Gordon, I almost pissed my pants right then and there. I didn’t know if they were dead.
Holmes: That would’ve brought the season to an abrupt end.

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‘Survivor: South Pacific’ Recap: A New Dawn?

October 5, 2011

Last Week: Mikayla approached Brandon nicely and still managed to offend, Ozzy might be mistaken in thinking Keith is a friend, and Papa Bear’s time with Savaii came to an end.

39 Days, 18 People, 1 “Survivor” Blog

Here are the tribes as they currently stand…

The Savaii Tribe (wearing red)
Cochran – 24, Harvard Law Student
Dawn – 41, English Professor
Elyse – 27, Dance Team Manager
Jim – 35, Medical Marijuana Dispensary Owner
Keith – 26, Water Treatment Tech
Ozzy – 30, Slayer of Challenges
Whitney – 27, Country Music Singer

The Upolu Tribe (wearing blue)
Albert – 26, Baseball/Dating Coach
Brandon – 19, Oil Tanker Crewman
Coach – 39, Slayer of Dragons
Edna – 35, Anesthesiologist
Mikayla – 22, Lingerie Football Player
Rick – 51, Rancher
Sophie – 22, Medical Student
Stacey – 44, Mortician

Currently Residing on Redemption Island (wearing fun accents)
Christine – 39, Teacher
Papa Bear – 48, Retired NYPD Detective

Tonight’s festivities kick off over at Savaii with Ozzy and Elyse sharing a hammock. Scandal. Elyse asks Oz if the rest of his family is as athletic as he is. Boy if I had a nickel for every time I’ve been asked that…I’d have no nickels.

Seeing the two in the hammock together has Jim raising an eyebrow. He approaches Cochran with the idea of getting rid of Elyse. Cochran’s all for it as he’s interested in anything that buys him another three days.

Meanwhile over at Upolu beach, Brandon inner turmoil continues. Again, he makes a vow to chill out. He even goes so far as to apologize to Mikayla. Mikayla accepts the apology but still doesn’t trust him. Mikayla blames it on his uncle. Who’s his uncle again?

Then, Brandon apologizes to Edna for lying about the C.R.A.B.S. (Coach, Rick, Albert, Brandon, Sophie – TM Andrea Boehlke) alliance. Edna is taken aback by the fact that she’s not an official part of the crew. I’m assuming it’s because the only anagram they can come up with that includes all six initials is B.R.A.C.E.S.

In other news, Lil Hantz is self destructing. It’s like he’s on a twelve-step program and is in the apologizing phase.

Tree mail arrives with everyone’s swimwear and an invitation to Redemption Island. Cochran and Jim will attend for Savaii, while Edna and Brandon will attend for Upolu.

Before the Savaiians make the trek to the arena, Whitney and Elyse try on their bikinis. I think this awesome, but Dawn disagrees. Seeing the youngsters in their swimwear makes her worry that she’s the “Rudy” in the tribe. Rudy went to the final three, I’d be more worried about being the Ramona.

Redemption Island Duel: Players will toss sandbags onto crates. The first person to get a sack on each of the ten crates stays in the game

No, I won’t be making any “sack” jokes. But feel free to make your own.

Before the duel gets underway, Papa Bear tells the Upolians that he’ll join them if he can make it back into the game. Brandon thanks him for that sentiment, then apologizes to Christine for lying to her.

The duel is super close, with Christine finally winning nine bags to ten. Christine Elrod, baby!

The following morning at Upolu, Edna tries to win her way back into her tribe’s hearts by doing their laundry and walking on their backs. It’s a unique strategy, I’ll give her that. It doesn’t work for everyone though as she’s apparently driving people nuts with her constant questions and irritating laugh.

In all fairness to Edna, her laugh doesn’t seem very irritating to me.

Meanwhile over at Savaii, Cochran’s trying to discover how Dawn feels about the Ozzy/Elyse alliance. Dawn isn’t a fan and thinks that they should consider getting rid of Elyse. Good on Cochran for making Dawn think that targeting Elyse is her idea.

Immunity Challenge Time: Three players from each team will hold long poles across their shoulders. Slowly, the other team will assign weight to be placed on the poles. The last team with a person standing wins immunity, a clue to the hidden immunity idol, a rooster, and two hens.

No, I won’t be making any “pole” jokes. But feel free to make your own.

Albert, Brandon, and Stacey will be the weight bearers for Upolu, while Keith, Jim, and Dawn will go for Savaii.

Not much to describe here except for some standing and some straining. Keith is the first one out with 180 pounds. Albert then loses his balance and falls, also with 180 pounds. Jim and Brandon are both in there with 240 pounds, setting a “Survivor” record. Jim and Brandon both don’t last long after that with Jim dropping slightly before Brandon.

It’s down to Stacey and Dawn, both with 140 pounds. Dawn does an amazing job hanging in there despite the fact that the pole has rolled down her back and down to her waist. Stacey eventually ends up in a similar situation, but can’t keep it up. Savaii wins immunity and poultry.

Back at Upolu, politicking centers around Stacey and Edna. Edna tries to talk with Stacey, but Stacey isn’t interested. She claims that Edna hasn’t talked to her since day one and that Edna wouldn’t have been able to carry any weight. Why? Because skeletons can’t lift weight.

Ooo…Stacey burn. Why haven’t we heard from her earlier?

Stacey tries to plant a seed of doubt in Lil Hantz’s head. Telling him that Albert, Sophie, and Mikayla are after him. Smart move by Stacey, and ironic that a Hantz seed was used against a Hantz.

Brandon approaches Coach with this tidbit, but Coach implores him to trust in their alliance. Brandon counters this by asking how many times Coach has been screwed by his alliances in the past. Wow, Brandon finally said something that made sense.

That night at Tribal Council, Coach lets us know that he is impressed by Stacey’s warrior spirit.

Sophie thinks the tribe needs to be strong, but that isn’t physical strength, it’s team unity strength.

J-Pro decides it’s time for some Tribal Council Mad Libs and asks some guy named Rick to fill in the blank to the statement; the most annoying thing about Albert is ______.

Some guy with a super sweet mustache responds, “He snores.”

Brandon is asked about the most annoying thing about Edna. He responds that she has a lot of opinions

Edna disagrees. Apparently she thinks she has a perfectly acceptable amount of opinions.

Mikayla thinks Brandon’s a great kid, but she can’t stop thinking about who his uncle is.

Brandon is proud to be a Hantz, but they’re two different people. This line of questioning makes Brandon emotional. He breaks down saying he wants to be someone that God is proud of and that involves clearing the Hantz name.

Voting Time: No votes are shown.

One vote for Edna, four votes for Stacey, and the fourth person to pay a visit to Redemption Island is…Stacey.

Oooo…Coach and the others go for a hug as Stacey is making her exit. She totally denies them and vows to return to the game.

Verdict: Again, not an explosive episode but the plotlines and characters are still fascinating.

Also, none of the votes have been terribly shocking, but that probably a sign of solid gameplay from the current alliances.

Who’s Going to Win? Watch Rick pull a Runaround Bob and take this whole thing.

Power Rankings Update: Oof…maybe this vote was too predictable. Both Andrea Boehlke and I had Stacey in the bottom slot and we both had Christine winning at Redemption Island for a total of sixteen points each. The score is now Team Boehlke 48, Team Holmes 49.

Any Questions? Drop me a line on Twitter: @gordonholmes

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‘Survivor: South Pacific’ Power Rankings – Week 3

October 4, 2011

The Rules: Each week our two combatants will create separate power rankings. The ranking of the person who is voted out of the next episode will determine the number of points the two players will earn. For example, if Sophie is voted out this week, Andrea will receive 3 points and Gordon will receive 4 points. Also, each player will pick who they think will win at Redemption Island. If they choose correctly they will receive a bonus point. At the end of the season, the person with the most points will be named the “Survivor: South Pacific” Power Rankings Challenge Champion.

Last Week: Andrea came back swinging, picking Papa Bear in spot sixteen while Gordon had him in spot fifteen.  Both players earned a bonus point for picking Christine to win the duel. The score is now Team Boehlke 32, Team Holmes 33.

Before we dive into this week’s rankings, let’s take a moment to check in with Andrea…

Gordon Holmes: Andrea, thank you so much for being a part of this season’s Power Rankings. What’ve you been up to since your time on “Survivor”?
Andrea Boehlke: The biggest change for me was that I up and moved to New York City! I graduated with a BFA in theatre, so I moved out here from Wisconsin three months ago. I am now doing a lot of random things and I love it. I’m a hostess at a restaurant in the meatpacking district called The Standard Grill, I joined a new theatre company started by Vincent Pastore from “The Sopranos.” It is my dream to eventually begin my own production or theatre company with a few of my best friends, so being a part of Vinny’s theatre company is a great learning experience. There are a lot of working actors and directors in the group, many who were on “The Sopranos” with Vinny as well as current projects. I’m also an assistant to a director/acting teacher in Manhattan where I keep track of all the students’ tuitions/billings/class schedule. I am also blogging for this season and am a co-host for a website called SuperPass where we podcast about the “Survivor” episodes. I also audition. Basically, I’m pretty busy but I’m finding time to enjoy myself out here too. It is so very different from Wisconsin as I’m used to being surrounded by either my family or friends in a college setting. So, sometimes I feel alone out here, but I have the “Survivor” family and some good friends out here to pick me up. NYC really is a blast.

Holmes: How are you feeling about this season so far?
Boehlke: I LOVE watching this season, especially when I get to watch it with the NYC “Survivor” crew. I thought it would be hard to watch a new season since I would miss being on the show myself—however it is a huge relief to not be in the spotlight or paranoid about editing! I also think it is a pretty solid season so far with a bunch of good characters. I really want to see more of the invisible characters, so I hope we see more of them as time goes on.

Holmes: You picked up your first Power Rankings win last week. Was it everything you dreamed it would be?
Boehlke: Yes, I must admit that it felt great to beat THE Gordon Holmes after coming up short the week before.
Holmes: Don’t get used to it. In honor of your big win, I’m leading the article with a picture of Albert. But fair warning, on weeks when I win I’m going to lead with a picture of Mikayla. Do you think this is the only way I can get guys to root for me over you?
Boehlke: See—I just thought you had a tiny crush on Mikayla. Now I know you have other motives! Is this some sort of popularity contest?!  It all goes back to Holmes vs. Boehlke.

Wanna Play? Tag Gordon (@gordonholmes) in your own Twitter Power Rankings. If you do better than Gordon does, (which is highly likely) he’ll give you credit in his weekly recap.

teamboehlke . TEAMHOLMES
Current Score: 32

Got any advice for Andrea? Drop her a line on Twitter.

 . Current Score: 33

Got any advice for Gordon? Drop him a line on Twitter.
albert . albert
#1 Albert: I was very tempted to bring Albert down a notch this week. Then I realized it would have been only because he didn’t accept my friendship request on Facebook.  Albert: so strong, so Albert, so C.R.A.B.S. . #1 Albert: The future Mr. Andrea Boehlke will have wait for that new moniker, because right now his true nickname is Safey T. McSaferton. Between his challenge prowess, closeness to Coach, and not being Brandon Hantz, he’s set for a while.
kEITH . kEITH
#2 Keith: Keith seems to have a decent grasp of his game at this point. He is clearly convincing enough to make Ozzy think he is trustworthy. He seems to have a close bond with Whitney and a good relationship with the other tribe members. So far, Keith is in a good position. . #2 Keith: Strange things seem to be afoot at Savaii beach. If Jim and Cochran are working together, that could be bad news for the Alpha Betas after the merge. Keith might want to consider letting Jim know about Ozzy’s idol. That should help him get in good with the new pairing.
SOPHIE . COACH
#3 Sophie: Sophie seems smart, savvy, surprisingly sincere, sassy, sharp, slick and stunning. SAFE. Annoying alliteration aside, Sophie is safe in her alliance of 5 and seems to be building some smart sub-alliances. . #3 Coach: All star or not, the Dragon Slayer is running the show over at Upolu beach. Yeah, leaders don’t have an awesome record for longevity on this show, but Coach has a lot of options. He has options for next on the chopping block (Stacey, Lil Hantz) and he has options for alliances (CRABS, Edna).
RICK . SOPHIE
#4 Rick: I think I saw Rick once this episode, which tells me he is safe. He was twirling his mustache. Fitting. . #4 Sophie: Who do I have to talk to about getting more Sophie in my “Survivor”? Every time they cut to her she has something insightful or entertaining to say.
COACH . WHITNEY
#5 Coach: Coach continues to keep his C.R.A.B.S. intact, and now he also seems to have upgraded to B.R.A.C.E.S. with an Edna on board! (Darn—I can’t take credit for that. B.R.A.C.E.S. was a David Healy creation.) . #5 Whitney: I think Whitney might be a secret genius. Semhar, however, poked some holes in my theory. Either way, she’s Keith’s confidant and Keith is super safe until the merge.
WHITNEY . ELYSE
#6 Whitney: Good hammock swinging skills. Good grappler. Fierce jungle hair. Whitney apparently has Keith’s trust and now knows about the idol.  If she has Keith wrapped around her finger and a good relationship with Elyse and Jim, Whitney could be a key player down the road. . #6 Elyse: We don’t hear much from Elyse. That’s probably because she gets along with everyone. In a tribe that seems to be heading for some turbulence, that’s probably a good place to be.
ELYSE . RICK
#7 Elyse: If Ozzy trusts Keith and Keith trusts Whitney, we have a three that could turn on Elyse and Jim down the line. However, for now, Elyse’s ancestors have her back and I don’t see her going anytime soon. . #7 Rick: Yes, there’s somebody on this show named Rick. Yes, I’m positive.
JIM . JIM
#8 Jim: We didn’t see Jim too much this episode, but for now he is one of the ‘Jungle Bros’ and therefore safe. I sense a Jim breakout episode soon! Maybe he will sense that he is on the low end of his alliance and mix something up. . #8 Jim: The “Two Plus Three” alliance is a terrible deal for Jim. I’m betting he realizes this and is now looking for ways out of it. Ozzy’s idol could be just the reason Jim needs to convince people to send the All star packing.
OZZY . EDNA
#9 Ozzy: Ouch. Ozzy trusted the bromance he had with Keith and this could very well bite him in the booty. Now that Keith, Whitney and probably the rest of the tribe know Ozzy has been hiding the idol from them, they may very well want to pounce on this opportunity to blindside him, idol in hand. . #9 Edna: Edna seemed to rebound from what we’ll call “The Most Transparent Lie in ‘Survivor’ History.” Best of all for her, there’s plenty of drama around Upolu camp and none of it involves her.
BRANDON . Mikayla
#10. Brandon: Welcome to Confessions of a Teenage Drama King! Last episode, Brandon took off his shirt and now everyone knows he is a Hantz. Although it may not hurt him immediately, it could down the road. Some things just aren’t meant to be spilled on “Survivor”! . #10 Mikayla: Kudos to Mikayla for taking Brandon aside and trying to have a rational discussion with him. Unfortunately for her, the “Loco” tattoo on his neck was not meant ironically. Her best bet now is to make sure Coach and crew realize how much Loose Cannon Brandon can mess up their post-merge plans.
EDNA . BRANDON
#11. Edna: I’m not a huge fan of visors, but props to Edna for still wearing the frumpy looking tree-mail visor two episodes in a row. Whenever I made some cool accessory out on the island, it only lasted a day. I either lost it or ate it. With that being said, if Upolu loses, Edna will eventually be targeted if they are looking to keep the tribe strong physically. . #11 Brandon: No lie, I rewound Brandon’s speech from last week three times and still couldn’t figure out what the dude was saying. If his breakdown took place later in the game, I’d say he was a lock for a Phillip-esque final three trip. However, he’s just too dangerous to trust this early in the game.
DAWN . COCHRAN
#12. Dawn: Although she did amazing at the last challenge, I’m afraid Mama Dawn is still not a part of the Jungle Barbie Clan. Dawn needs to find a way to stir something up! . #12 Cochran: If the previews are to be believed (and sometimes they are misleading) it looks like Cochran is finally going to get an opportunity to make “A ‘Survivor’ move.”  It’s time Cochran earns that last-name nickname.
COCHRAN . OZZY
#13 Cochran: Part of me thinks Cochran will go far. I’m just not sure how he is going to do it. I sincerely hope that the Coch-reign is just beginning, but he really has to dig deep and break up the Ozzy clan. . #13 Ozzy: Fun Fact: When you find a hidden immunity idol, you don’t have to tell anyone. Crazy, right? Maybe Ozzy can use this idol and his previous unused idol as bookends when he’s sent home.
Mikayla . DAWN
#14 Mikayla: I hate that I have Mikayla so low, but I don’t have a choice at this point. She doesn’t seem to have any substantial alliance, and although people find Brandon’s targeting of her ridiculous, she is on the wrong side of the numbers. . #14 Dawn: It looks like Cochran might be making moves with Jim. What does that have to do with Dawn? Normally the fall of an alliance sees the leader (Ozzy) going home, however, Savaii can’t afford to lose challenge strength right now. That puts a target on Dawn’s back.
STACEY . STACEY
#15 Stacey: Despite an awesome full-body reaction to the reveal of Little Hantz, Stacey doesn’t seem to have many allies in this game. If Upolu loses, she is going to be dueling her sista friend Christine on Redemption Island real soon. . #15 Stacey: Stacey will stay in the game as long as Upolu can keep winning immunities. She’s an easy boot and will give Coach and crew time to sort out this whole Brandon/Mikayla mess.
CHRISTINE . CHRISTINE
Redemption Island Pick – Christine: Christine is determined to “pull a Matt” and go on a R.I. streak. Although I don’t think she will be able to pull a full on Matt, she may be able to pull a half-Matt or a quarter-Matt.  She will at least beat Papa Bear this week. . Redemption Island Pick – Christine: Sorry, Papa Bear…this porridge is too hot for you.

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Great Scott! Sassy ‘Back to the Future’ Costumes

October 2, 2011

It’s no secret that I loves me some Halloween. In fact, there’s a specific rule in the Holmes household that Halloween decor can’t go up until September 15th. Why does this rule exist? Because without it I’d be putting up creepy candles and foam headstones in June.

My new favorite Halloween tradition? Sassy (read: sexy) Halloween costumes. Each year they keep getting a little more ridiculous. I fully support this initiative. In fact, last year, I created a series of three sassy costumes based on my favorite movie, “Ghostbusters.” (more…)

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‘Survivor’ Castaway Interview: Semhar Tadesse

September 29, 2011

When describing “Survivor” contestants, Jeff Probst uses the word “if” a lot. Jim can win if he can get people to trust him. Ozzy can go a long way if his social game has improved. Cochran can be a mastermind if he gets in with the right alliance.

There was no “if” with Semhar Tadesse. On day two of the filming of “Survivor: South Pacific,” Jeff Probst told me that Semhar would be the first person to go home. He was right.

Did he have some magic Emmy-powered crystal ball? No. He probably realized that she just isn’t right for the game. Semhar’s simply too kind hearted for “Survivor.”  For her it isn’t OK to lie, even for a million dollars, even if it is just a TV show…

I spoke with Semhar the morning after her Redemption Island elimination to find out her thoughts on her Savaii tribe mates, how rough things were all by herself, and the truth about her all-natural dental hygiene products.

Gordon Holmes: What happened before last week’s Tribal Council?
Semhar Tadesse: I really didn’t know what to expect walking in there. I had been told different things by everyone. Pretty much the only people that really kept it honest with me were Ozzy, Dawn, and Papa Bear, who were like, “You know, we’re going to vote you out.” And everyone else told me I was completely safe. So I didn’t know what to think having only known these people for three days at this point. According to Keith, Jim, and Whitney I was totally safe. But right before we left, Ozzy looked at me and said, “Sorry, I tried.”

Holmes: I was just thinking that most people view Redemption Island as a punishment, but how often do you get a few days alone to just let your mind run free? As an artist, did that help you at all?
Tadesse: Absolutely. I didn’t mind my time on Redemption so badly. There were some benefits.  I found bananas and I didn’t have to share them with anyone. (Laughs) I started a fire three times. I was proud of myself. But emotionally it was very difficult.
Holmes: You’d touched on that a bit about it bringing back feelings of rejection. Were you able to work through that at all?
Tadesse: It triggers things for everyone at Redemption Island. It just reminds you of things. You’re sitting there alone for days. And Redemption Island is scary, it’s dark, everything’s wet. It’s super difficult to start a fire. And it’s really quiet. You have plenty of time to think.

Holmes: I was talking to Jeff Probst on day two, and he immediately pegged you as the first person to go home. Any idea what it was about you that set him off?
Tadesse: (Laughs) I wanted to braid my hair. And he told me, “Don’t braid your hair, we like your hair, keep your hair out.” And I was pretty concerned about my hair. I’m sure he thought, “Why is this girl concerned with her hair and not the game?”
Holmes: Were you happy with how your hair turned out?
Tadesse: Yeah, I wasn’t out there too long. If I had been out there for 40 days I couldn’t have kept it like that for long. It would’ve just turned into dreadlocks. And like I told Jeff in my interview, “You couldn‘t pay me a million dollars to cut my hair off.”

Holmes: You are famous for popularizing your own brand of Samoan toothpaste.
Tadesse: (Laughs)
Holmes: Now I haven’t had a chance to try it yet, I’ve been busy, but how does that taste?
Tadesse: I did do a lot of research before I went out there. The toothpaste I picked up in a book I read about survival. I double-checked with an environmentalist and they said that it’s complexly safe to do. You basically take ash and put a little bit of water in it and you mix it around.
Holmes: Sounds delicious.
Tadesse: I never actually did it on the show because I felt like I’d only do it if it really came down to it.
Holmes: So you’re telling people to jam ashes into their mouths and you hadn’t tried it yet?
Tadesse: I said this is what we CAN do.
Holmes: Fair enough.

Holmes: Let’s talk about your fellow Savaiians. Jim strikes me as someone who’s super sharp, but I worry that people won’t trust him. Would you agree with that?
Tadesse: I knew from the very beginning that I wasn’t going to trust Jim. He was telling us he was a teacher, and he was talking about his female students in inappropriate ways. I don’t know if it was his goal to make us not like him, but from the beginning I didn’t feel comfortable around him. It was creepy things like, “Hey, come sleep over here, Sem.”
Holmes: In all fairness to Jim, if I were on Savaii beach I’d be saying similar things.
Tadesse: (Laughs)
Holmes: So, I will not cast stones.

Holmes: Tell me about Papa Bear. He seems like the sweetest guy, but I can’t get behind someone who gives himself a nickname.
Tadesse: I love it. I love Papa Bear. I think that it worked well for him because he was a Papa to us. He’s just a love bug. I think the nickname is awesome for him.

Holmes: I have a theory that Whitney might be a genius.
Tadesse: Really?
Holmes: Last night when Keith was telling her about Ozzy, she was gently rocking him in the hammock. She didn’t have to ask things, he was just telling her. Am I reading too much into this?
Tadesse: I didn’t get a genius vibe from her, but I don’t know. Time will tell.

Holmes: It’s time for the word association. Let’s start with Ozzy.
Tadesse: Sweet, good heart, caring, and loyal.
Holmes: Elyse?
Tadesse: Quiet, reserved, and sweet.
Holmes: Cochran?
Tadesse: (Laughs) Funny, in fact hilarious, sweetheart, and dorky.
Holmes: Papa Bear?
Tadesse: Loving, caring, and dramatic.
Holmes: Dawn?
Tadesse: Complete motherly attitude, organized individual, and super good heart.
Holmes: Whitney?
Tadesse: Whitney…not so bright in my opinion. A little on the ditsy side.
Holmes: Alright, let’s explore this. What was she doing that seemed ditzy?
Tadesse: She’d just make little comments from time to time. Things like saying she needed to lose weight. Or, one time she said something about Moses going through the Red Sea for forty days and forty nights.
Holmes: That doesn’t sound right.
Tadesse: But she may be really smart and pretending to be ditzy.
Holmes: You’re killing my theory, Semhar!
Tadesse: (Laughs) Right there with you, Gordon.
Holmes: OK, let’s try Keith.
Tadesse: Neutral, chill, surfer-dude attitude.
Holmes: And finally, Jim.
Tadesse: Disgusting, pervert, heartless.

Holmes: Was your experience in Samoa a positive one? Did you learn from it?
Tadesse: Absolutely, I grew from the entire experience. I’m really happy that I went. It taught me that I can do things on my own, and that’s a very comforting feeling to have, especially with all of these natural disasters. It’s nice to know I could start a fire on my own. I never thought in a million years that I could do that.
Holmes: Well, here’s hoping you never have to start a fire again, but it’s good to know that you can.
Tadesse: (Laughs) Like I said when we interviewed in Samoa, I’m not an outdoorsy person. This girl has never been camping before.

Any Questions? Drop Gordon a line on Twitter: @gordonholmes

Watch Full Episodes of “Survivor: South Pacific”

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An Open Letter to Fans of the Philadelphia Phillies

September 29, 2011

So here we are; the St. Louis Cardinals are squaring off against the Philadelphia Phillies in a five-game series to determine who will advance to the NLCS. The timing might be odd, but I’ve decided to reveal a dirty little secret…

I like the Philadelphia Phillies.

Seriously.

Ever since they saved the grounds crew in Colorado I’ve been a closet Phillies fan. I think Jimmy Rollins is hilarious and has a promising future as a sports broadcaster after he retires. Chase Utley seems like a stand-up guy and I appreciate his attitude about animals’ rights. Ryan Howard is a St. Louisian (not sure if that’s a word), so I love that. (more…)

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‘Survivor: South Pacific’ Recap: Oh Miki, You’re Too Fine…

September 29, 2011

Last Week: The word “hantz” has many definitions…

1. To find an idol without a clue. (ex. Ozzy hantzed an idol.)
2. To say one thing, then do something else. (ex. Brandon really hantzed when he lied to Coach after telling him he was trustworthy.)
3. To be caught hunting for immunity idols. (One of the reasons Christine was voted out of the game was because she was hantzed on the first day.)

39 Days, 18 People, 1 “Survivor” Blog

Here are the tribes as they currently stand…

The Savaii Tribe (wearing red)
Cochran – 24, Harvard Law Student
Dawn – 41, English Professor
Elyse – 27, Dance Team Manager
Jim – 35, Medical Marijuana Dispensary Owner
Keith – 26, Water Treatment Tech
Mark – 48, Retired NYPD Detective
Ozzy – 30, Slayer of Challenges
Whitney – 27, Country Music Singer

The Upolu Tribe (wearing blue)
Albert – 26, Baseball/Dating Coach
Brandon – 19, Oil Tanker Crewman
Coach – 39, Slayer of Dragons
Edna – 35, Anesthesiologist
Mikayla – 22, Lingerie Football Player
Rick – 51, Rancher
Sophie – 22, Medical Student
Stacey – 44, Mortician

Currently Residing on Redemption Island (wearing steely determination)
Semhar – 24, Spoken Word Artist
Christine – 39, Teacher

We kick this party off over at Redemption Island where Christine lets us know that Coach had it out for her from the beginning. Yeah, that’s on Coach. It was so weird when he forced her to call him a “temporary player.”

Meanwhile at Upolu, Mikayla is trying to figure out why Brandon is gunning for her. Her and I both.  Also, Brandon is disappointed in himself for lying to Coach. He isn’t quite sure why he did it. He and I both.

Seriously though, Mikayla. He’s just threatened by your good looks. Happens to me all the time. OK, feel free to stop laughing now.

Next up, it’s Redemption Challenge time. Coach and Stacey are attending the festivities for Upolu while Ozzy and Elyse are the Savaii representatives.

Redemption Island Duel: Each player will balance a wooden totem at the end of a pole. At regular intervals they will have to extend that pole with another pole. The last person to keep their totem on their pole wins.

Note: This is very similar to the challenge Russell Hantz won to advance to the final three in “Survivor: Samoa.”

Before the duel gets underway, Semhar kneels and says a poem as if she was praying. Dude, she’s fun. I’m already considering her for next season’s Power Rankings so we can do rhyming captions.

Not a lot to describe here except for some super-intense balancing faces. In the end the calming poetry wasn’t enough to do the trick as Semhar’s totem crashed to the ground. Before Semhar is sent on her way, she broke down a bit and said she was very proud of herself for not giving up. I know a lot of people were worried she wouldn’t last by herself on Redemption Island, so good for her for hanging in there. She burns her buff on the way out in what may be my least favorite part of Redemption Island.

Afterwards, Christine tells us that she’d like to “Pull a Matt” and get back into the game. Well, that depends on if God likes her best.

Back at Upolu, Brandon explains that God and his family aren’t pleased with him because of the lying. Well, one member of his family might be cool with it. Brandon pays his penance for lying by taking off his shirt and showing off his Hantztoos to the rest of Upolu. Stacey has an Eliza Orlins-eque reaction to this news. I seriously thought her eyes were going to pop out of her head.

For some reason, this revelation isn’t enough to redeem Brandon in Mikayla’s eyes.

Coach thinks the grand reveal was a mistake. I agree. I’m not sure how it helps anything except for his tanlines.

Meanwhile over at Savaii, Papa Bear is worried that he’s the low man on the totem pole. Shortly after, Ozzy confirms Papa Bear’s suspicions.

Ozzy also lets us know that he completely trusts Keith. He proves this by telling him he found the idol. Keith then shows how trustworthy he is by promptly telling Whitney. And in an amazing moment, Keith lays in the hammock while Whitney rocks it for him. Am I reading too much into that? Is Whitney playing Keith?

Next up, it’s throwdown time over at Upolu as Mikayla takes Brandon aside to figure things out. Brandon, keeping to this week’s no-lying policy fesses up that he wanted her gone because of her super sexy attitude.

Brandon brings this little discussion back to the camp and gives a speech to the whole tribe that I simply couldn’t follow. Seriously, I rewound it three times. Either the editing was wonky or Brandon’s losing it.

Sophie does me a solid and tries to sort it out for us. She says Brandon is torn between following his religious beliefs and following his lying Hantz DNA.

Note: Man, we’re seeing a lot of Upolu this episode. Ten “Survivor” points says they lose the immunity challenge.

Another Note: “Survivor” points still have no cash value.

Immunity Challenge Time: One person from each tribe will race across a floating bridge carrying a body board attached to a long rope. When they reach a platform they’ll grab a bag and hang on to the body board as the team uses a wench to pull them back to the beach. Once all five bags have been retrieved, two players on a wall will use grappling hooks to retrieve the puzzle bags. Inside the bags are puzzle banners. The first tribe to put their banners in the proper order wins immunity, a clue to the hidden immunity idol, cookies, coffee, four calling birds, three French hens…

The first portion of the challenge was entertaining as the lead changed hands several times. However, Upolu took a slight lead at the end as Ozzy lost control of his body board.

Coach and Edna were on puzzle duty for Upolu while Whitney and Elyse did it for Savaii. Team Upolu got their bags first as Coach killed the grappling portion.

Then, Mikayla and Sophie shouted instructions to Coach and Edna helping them tear through the banner puzzle, thus winning immunity, reward, and an idol clue for Upolu.

OK, I owe you ten “Survivor” points.

Before we head off to break, Jim lets us know that Papa Bear is slowing them down. My “Survivor” editing training tells me there’s no way Papa Bear goes home tonight. Double or nothing on the “Survivor” points?

Politicking around Savaii seems to center on Cochran vs. Papa Bear. Apparently Dawn has earned some respect with her challenge prowess and is now Savaii’s Edna.

Cochran is worried that he’s in trouble because he’s not in “The Group.” Seriously? Worst allaince name ever. Since they’re not being creative, let’s call them Alpha Beta instead. That makes Cochran and Papa Bear the heads of Lambda Lambda Lambda.

The Alpha Betas have decided that Papa Bear’s time is done. They tell Cochran he’s safe, but he isn’t buying it.

Papa Bear, sensing he’s a marked man, goes on a wild hunt for the immunity idol. He has no luck, so he creates a fake idol. He does a crap job, too. Runaround Bob he ain’t.

That night at Tribal Council, Cochran makes a case that he held his own during the immunity challenge.

Papa Bear thinks that Cochran is a physical liability. He then calls out the Alpha Betas for not letting him into the clique. No big deal, just win the head seat of the Greek Council by winning the Greek Games. Doy.

Dawn feels like the Alpha Betas have been more open lately, Papa Bear disagrees.

Jim retorts, saying that Papa Bear is just being defensive because he feels like he’s on the chopping block.

Cochran makes the point that searching for the immunity idol makes it look like you don’t trust your tribe. C’mon, Mr. “Survivor” fan, you know that strategy cost Brenda in Nicaragua.

Voting Time: Jim votes for Cochran, Cochran votes for Papa Bear, and the rest are super secret.

Probst does his tallying business and returns; one vote for Papa Bear, one vote for Cochran, one vote for Jim, two votes Papa Bear, and the third person to receive an all-expenses-paid trip to Redemption Island is…Papa Bear.

Seriously?! I owe you twenty “Survivor” points?!

Verdict: Not the most exciting or surprising episode, but it’s creating a solid build. I’m psyched for the next chapter in “The Passion of Brandon Hantz” and Keith is keeping things interesting over at Savaii. Good times.

Who’s Going to Win: I don’t know what it was about Whitney rocking the hammock for Keith, but it stuck with me. Watch out for her.

Power Rankings Update: Andrea Boehlke came back swinging, picking Papa Bear in spot sixteen while I had him in spot fifteen. We both earned a bonus point for picking Christine to win the duel. The score is now Team Boehlke 32, Team Holmes 33.

Any Questions? Drop me a line on Twitter: @gordonholmes

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‘Survivor: South Pacific’ Power Rankings – Round 2

September 27, 2011

The Rules: Each week our two combatants will create separate power rankings. The ranking of the person who is voted out of the next episode will determine the number of points the two players will earn. For example, if Sophie is voted out this week, Andrea will receive 4 points and Gordon will receive 3 points. Also, each player will pick who they think will win at Redemption Island. If they choose correctly they will receive a bonus point. At the end of the season, the person with the most points will be named the “Survivor: South Pacific” Power Rankings Challenge Champion.

Last Week: Gordon nailed his first pick, placing Christine in spot seventeen, while Andrea had her in spot fifteen.

Wanna Play? Tag Gordon (@gordonholmes) in your own Twitter Power Rankings. If you do better than Gordon does, (which is highly likely) he’ll give you credit in his weekly recap.

teamboehlke . TEAMHOLMES
Current Score: 15

Got any advice for Andrea? Drop her a line on Twitter.

 . Current Score: 17

Got any advice for Gordon? Drop him a line on Twitter.
albert . albert
#1 Albert: Albert is safe and nestled in Coach’s C.R.A.B.S.  (Alliance of Coach, Rick, Albert, Brandon and Sophie).  I predict he is safe until merge and therefore I can continue to swoon over him for weeks to come. . #1 Albert: The other coach keeps the top spot this week for three reasons. First, he’s Upolu’s strongest challenge competitor. Second, he’s in the dominant alliance. And third, he came to the primary Coach’s defense at Tribal Council. Albert isn’t going anywhere.
kEITH . kEITH
#2 Keith: Keith is another hottie…I mean Keith is safe this week. They need this young strapping lad for challenges and he is also a part of the cool kids’ alliance over on Savaii. . #2 Keith: Keith and Albert are in the same boat in my book, except replace the Amazon-trekking, symphony-conducting, soccer coach with a marijuana-dispensary-owning, business-creating, poker player. (Actually, those two would make quite a sitcom pairing.) Anywho, Keith’s super safe until mergeville.
COACH . SOPHIE
#3 Coach: Let’s face it, Coach has his C.R.A.B.S. intact. He also has a little something…something going on with Edna. I could be taking a risk by putting him so high, but I honestly think Coach has got a lock-down on his tribe. . #3 Sophie: Didn’t see much from Sophie last week. I’m sure she was off somewhere being brilliant. Surprised me a bit that she got a vote at tribal though, that makes me think that she’s more subtle with her alliances than others are. Genius.
SOPHIE . JIM
#4 Sophie: This strong, smart member of the C.R.A.B.S. is too valuable to be going anywhere soon. Plus, watch her insider clips, she is doing some alliance building of her own that hasn’t made the show yet. . #4 Jim: I’m not sure if I’m on board with Jim’s “Three Plus Two” strategy. (Although, I’m always on board with players giving their alliances and strategies cool names.)  Does he hope to get to the final five then cut Keith and Ozzy? Those guys are immunity monsters. Does he want to go to the final three with Keith and Ozzy? Why’d he win a jury vote? Seems messy to me.
ELYSE . RICK
#5 Elyse: In an extra clip, Ozzy says Elyse is doing very well in the challenges. She is also a part of the savvy Savaii cool kids’ alliance. But Elyse has something extra going on—Native American ancestors. If great-great grandfathers can keep Phillip Sheppard safe on “Survivor,” I have faith they can do the same for Elyse. Go find your feather, girl! . #5 Rick: I have a theory that it’s pretty hard to be the first person voted out of “Survivor.” If you can contribute around camp and in challenges you should be safe for a bit as long as you keep your mouth shut. Rick is a perfect example of this.
WHITNEY . WHITNEY
#6 Whitney: She isn’t doing anything wrong. According to the edit she also isn’t doing anything besides laundry, but I think we will be seeing more of Whitney soon. . #6 Whitney: Oh Whitney…what can I say about Whitney? Um…I hope the inevitable Chase Rice/Whitney Duncan country cover of “Islands in the Stream” is nice. There, I’ve probably written more words about her in this blurb then she’s said on the show so far.
RICK . ELYSE
#7 Rick: Rancher Rick was pretty invisible last week, but he is in the majority alliance on his tribe and isn’t causing any waves. Yep, that’s about it. Cricket. . #7 Elyse: See Whitney.
JIM . COACH
#8 Jim: Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I sense a power struggle brewing between Jim and Ozzy. Like, real soon. Call me loca, but I think Jim is going to come out on top. Also, don’t be so hard on yourself, bro—you ARE a cool kid! Embrace it! . #8 Coach: I dropped Coach a bit this week because I’m worried about the leadership role he seems to be taking on at Upolu beach. I hope that prominence doesn’t make it too easy to pull off that “Vote All Stars Off After the Merge” strategy.
EDNA . EDNA
#9 Edna: Edna may not be in the C.R.A.B.S. but she has a secret alliance with Coach and is smart enough to know she needs to use him and vice versa. Coach could always switch her with somebody from the main alliance down the road. . #9 Edna: Oof…you’re lucky Coach likes you, because that obvious lie you told Stacey and Christine would land you in serious trouble on a more strategically competitive tribe.
BRANDON . OZZY
#10. Brandon: This kid is all over the place. Hiding his tattoo. Selectively showing his tattoo. Being tempted. Making confessions at Tribal Council. Did you see Coach’s eye roll when Brandon spilled that he was the one gunning for Mikayla at Tribal Council? His wish-washy good vs. evil stint might be enough for his tribe mates to want him gone. . #10 Ozzy: You Hantzed an immunity idol and you’re in the dominant alliance. Good times for Ozzy, right? Maybe not. Ozzy was in a similar dominant position in Micronesia and was sent home. Here’s hoping he’s learned from his mistakes.
OZZY . BRANDON
#11. Ozzy: I do think Ozzy will be safe this week. He will probably be safe next week. I just have this daunting feeling that Ozzy won’t be lasting on Savaii forever with Jim in the picture so I am slowly pulling him farther down on my list. Storm’s a coming! . #11 Brandon: Wow. Just wow. You gave Coach a nice “I’m not a liar like Russell” speech then followed it up by lying. You remind me of Dreamz from “Survivor: Fiji” in that your erratic behavior makes you a very dangerous alliance partner.
COCHRAN . Mikayla
#12. Cochran: It is probably in his (and his mother’s) best interest that Cochran doesn’t go to Redemption Island to fare for himself. I hope the new Cochran finds a way to stay safe, channel his inner genie and get some sort of awesome alliance going. Ozzy and Keith recognized that Cochran may be good at puzzles, so this could help him stick around a bit longer. . #12 Mikayla: You’re low on the list, but not because of anything you’ve actually done. Hopefully Coach and crew can talk Brandon out of his bizarre vendetta against you. Or, maybe they can send Brandon back to Hantzylvania and bring you on board.
Mikayla . DAWN
#13 Mikayla: I definitely had a mini-freak out last week when I had Mikayla so high and watched her name be tossed around. For some reason, Brandon wants Miki GONE, and unless she stops fishing and ‘wingleing’ around in her panties she may be yet again an underserving target. Maybe she can weave together a burlap sack. Might help. . #13 Dawn: The bottom of the Savaii totem pole was nicely laid out by Jim. The question is; what’s the order? I’m thinking Dawn can find ways to keep herself useful and avoid the chopping block for a while.
DAWN . COCHRAN
#14 Dawn: We didn’t see much of Dawn last week, so I get the sense she is pulling it together. There is an insider clip where Dawn says she isn’t as tight as the others with Ozzy. If Ozzy is the one pulling strings, this mama could be in trouble soon. . #14 Cochran: So, it looks like they took care of last week’s puzzle without you. That can’t be good news. Unless somebody sees you as a vital piece of their strategy, you’re going to be expendable until the merge. You need to find an angle and find it quick.
STACEY . papabear
#15 Stacey: With her friend Christine gone, Stacey has to do work to be spared this week. Although I loved Stacey’s sassy little comments at Tribal Council, I don’t think they helped her get on Coach’s good side. . #15 Papa Bear: OK, you lasted another week, so I held up my end of the bargain and updated the name on your image. That being said, I still think you’re going to be the first person sent packing when Savaii loses immunity.
papabear . STACEY
#16 Papa Bear: I feel that Papa Bear’s days are numbered and it saddens me. If Savaii loses this week they are going to be looking for a way to keep their tribe strong physically and unfortunately Papa Bear is low on the totem pole. . #16 Stacey: It’s probably not fair that you’re going to pay for Christine’s missteps, but here we are. For your sake, I hope Christine shared that immunity idol clue with you.
CHRISTINE . CHRISTINE
Redemption Island Pick – Christine: I think Christine has a bit more feistiness left in her, whereas the poet Semhar may be calling it quits. I’m not even sure if Semhar will wake up. That’s the first step. . Redemption Island Pick – Christine: When two competitors are evenly matched physically, I’ll go with the player who wants it more. Christine definitely wants it more.

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‘Survivor: South Pacific’ Recap: Liar, Liar, Hantz on Fire

September 21, 2011

Note: Bad news, we’re flying without a DVR tonight. So, get ready for a quick and dirty recap.

Last Week: Coach found CRABS* on the beach, Cochran gave a long-winded speech, and Semhar found words that rhyme with “Don’t vote me off” to be well out of reach.

*CRABS is the nickname of Coach’s new alliance (Coach, Rick, Albert, Brandon, and Sophie). Full credit for this nickname goes to “Survivor” Power Rankings competitor Andrea Boehlke.

39 Days, 18 People, 1 “Survivor” Blog

Here are the tribes as they currently stand…

The Savaii Tribe (wearing red)
Cochran – 24, Harvard Law Student
Dawn – 41, English Professor
Elyse – 27, Dance Team Manager
Jim – 35, Medical Marijuana Dispensary Owner
Keith – 26, Water Treatment Tech
Mark – 48, Retired NYPD Detective
Ozzy – 30, Slayer of Challenges
Whitney – 27, Country Music Singer

The Upolu Tribe (wearing blue)
Albert – 26, Baseball/Dating Coach
Brandon – 19, Oil Tanker Crewman
Christine – 39, Teacher
Coach – 39, Slayer of Dragons
Edna – 35, Anesthesiologist
Mikayla – 22, Lingerie Football Player
Rick – 51, Rancher
Sophie – 22, Medical Student
Stacey – 44, Mortician

Currently Residing on Redemption Island (wearing plenty of time to work on poetry)
Semhar – 24, Spoken Word Artist

We kick this party off with Semhar arriving at Redemption Island. She feels abandoned by her tribe. Maybe if she’d tried a little Semharder? (Oof…sorry about that.)

Semhar admits to having abandonment issues and even busts out a few stanzas of some of her spoken-word jams. Poor kid, it’s not often you get dumped by five dudes in one night.

Back at Savaii, Cochran admits that his Tribal freakout probably wasn’t good for his game. He promises to turn on the cool. I love me some Cochran, but I’m not sure his faucet turns that way.

That night, Ozzy tells Keith that he hopes they can team up with Jim. Cue the power struggle. No way Jim wants to pair with challenge monsters. Keith and Ozzy also hope Cochran can step up in the challenge puzzles. That’s not great news for Cochran as he told me he wasn’t much of a puzzle-doer during our pre-game interview.

Over at Upolu, Edna lets Coach know what Stacey and Christine are up to. Side alliance for the Dragon Slayer?

Coach also tells Edna that he’s looking for honest people, but that always comes back to bite him. Coach is playing this really cool lovable loser thing. I’m digging it.

Back at Savaii we catch up with Cochran 2.0 as he’s cutting through coconuts like a level 12 orc cuts through mages. He lets us know that his mother wouldn’t be happy with him using a machete unsupervised, but she’s not there to get him his Lunchables, so she’ll have to deal with it.

Ozzy takes a break to go idol hunting and manages to find it without a clue. What happened to Hantz-proofing these idols? Bury them!

Over at Upolu, we learn that Coach covered up Brandon with a blankey or something during the previous evening.
Brandon feels like a hypocrite lying to someone who’s so generous with his blankies, so he lets the sock-burning cat out of bag and shows Coach his Hantz tattoo.

Coach is understandably freaked out, going so far as to call Russell his number one nemesis. However, he relaxes when he realizes that Brandon had nothing to gain by telling him that.

On Savaii Beach, Elyse asks her ancestors for advice about fishing nets. She’s like a super hot Phillip.

Meanwhile, Keith and Ozzy take Jim on a fishing trip to talk strategy. Apparently Jim has what he calls the “Three Plus Two” Plan which involves the three alpha males taking Elyse and Whitney to the end. Jim thinks he’s the architect of this alliance, but it’s exactly what Keith and Ozzy wanted. I’m thinking Keith is way smarter than he originally let on. Glad to see it.

At Upolatia we see the return of Stalker Hantz. It looks like Mikayla is his number one target right now. He doesn’t give a good reason for not liking her other than that she’s attractive. He calls her “Parvati” because of how seductive she is. Funny thing is, we see no footage of this alleged seduction. I’m thinking if it existed, the “Survivor” producers would be tripping over themselves to show it.

Later, Christine discovers a clue to the hidden immunity idol. Dun dun dun. Clearly time is wasted looking for clues when the idols are poorly hidden.

Immunity Challenge Time: Four players will unwrap ribbons from a pole. This will release a key. Once they have the key they’ll unlock the other players. The released players will then move crates around a course until they can release a large crate. First team to put their big crate on a platform wins immunity, pillows, blankets, a hammock, a mat, and an immunity clue.

Note: Upolu enters eating fruit. Coach claims that the team that eats fruit together wins together. What happened to humble Coach?

Edna will sit out for Upolu.

Cochran, Dawn, Whitney, and Elyse will untangle the ribbons for Savaii, while Stacey, Sophie, Christine, and Mikayla will do the same for Upolu.

Fun Fact: When Probst was describing this, he referred to the players as being, “On the pole.” I may have giggled.

Upolu jumps out to a huge lead as their ladies did a fantastic job unraveling the ribbons. Savaii doesn’t do as well, with Cochran getting tangled up at one point.

Upolu gets to their keys first. Stacey unlocks the players.

Savaii is slightly behind and Dawn takes a while to get keys off of her ribbon. Elyse takes the keys and unlocks her players.

Savaii kills the puzzle portion passing Upolu and winning immunity and reward.

Guess the fruit didn’t help.

Politicking around camp centers around Coach wanting CRABS and Edna to send three votes to
Christine and three votes to Stacey. Brandon, however wants to vote out Mikayla. That of course lead to this exchange…

“Parvati screwed many a man.” – Brandon Hantz
“That’s for sure.” – Coach

I may have giggled again.

Coach and Sophie both think Brandon has some weird issues. Add me to that list too.

Later, Mikayla walks up on a CRABS team meeting, Coach not-so-subtly brushes her off.

Christine and Stacey grill Edna about the CRABS meeting. Edna tells a terrible lie, saying they were thinking of voting out Sophie. Christine quickly points out that Sophie was a part of the meeting.

Wow, it’s a mad scramble at Upolu.

Christine and Stacey approach Brandon to find out what the deal is. He tells them to vote for Mikayla. Then he lies to Coach (kind of), telling him that Christine and Stacey are gunning for Mikayla.

Coach realizes Brandon’s willing to do anything to get what he wants. Hantz me once, shame on you…

Why Brandon Hantz Is Creepy
By Gordon Holmes

OK, here’s my main issue with Brandon. It’s Mikayla’s fault for being attractive, not Brandon’s fault for being tempted by her. That’s just super wrong, right?

The End.

If I were Coach I’d consider booting Brandon in favor of Mikayla and starting a SCRAM alliance.

That night at Tribal Council, Brandon thinks he’s made a good first impression.

Coach thinks his first impression was bad as he lost the first challenge. Coach throws Stacey and Christine under the bus for gunning for Mikayla. They deny it.

Probst is glad Coach is back. Nice for he and I to finally agree on something.

Christine and Stacey want to know where Coach heard that from. He refuses to say. Albert thinks Coach is showing loyalty by not telling them who told him. Go Albert. He and Keith may be dark horses in this mess.

Coach calls Christine out for looking for the idol.

Christine thinks what she said about Coach being disposable on day one may have gotten her in trouble. Can we just call that Pulling a Francesca?

Mikayla asks Christine and Stacey if they were gunning for her. They swear they weren’t.

Then, Brandon’s guilt forces him to come clean that he was the one gunning for Mikayla. He’s like a half-Hantz. He can lie, but only for a little while. It’s like he has a fibbing egg timer.

Somebody with that weird half-conscience has got to be dangerous to align with.

Voting Time: No votes are shown.  Oooooooo…

The Emmy hog tallies and returns and we have one vote for Sophie, one for Edna, one for Christine, one for Stacey, one for Christine, one for Stacey, one for Christine, one for Stacey, and the second person to be sent to Redemption Island is…Christine.

Verdict: Jeff told me that he would have cast Brandon even if his last name wasn’t Hantz. I thought that was crap. I’m learning now never to doubt J-Pro.

As for this season? Both tribe dynamics are fascinating. Keep ‘em coming!

Who’s Going to Win? Buh…not Semhar.

Power Rankings Update: Welcome to the Terror Dome, Boehlke! Gordon had Christine in spot seventeen, while Andrea had her in spot fifteen. The current score is Team Not-From-Green-Bay Beauty 15, Team Holmes 17.

Any Questions? Drop me a line on Twitter: @gordonholmes

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