More Whatnot

Quick Note: We’re going to be bringing you all kinds of “Survivor” fun this season including episode recaps, exit interviews, and Power Rankings with Shirin Oskooi. Be sure to follow me on Twitter (@gordonholmes) for up-to-the-minute news and info.

Alright, things kick off with a big ol’ boat making its way through the ocean. Who’s on board you ask? Six physically fit people, six attractive people, and six intelligent people.

Note: Some of the smart people are strong and attractive, some of the attractive people are strong and smart, and some of the strong people are attractive and smart.

Also on this boat is former “Two and a Half Men” star Jeff Probst.

Mr. Probst lets us know that these eighteen folks are about to spend some time in the harsh Kaôh Rōng-ian wilderness. To illustrate this point, they show a close-up of an infected cut. Thanks, editors.

Quick Aside: I was in Cambodia after this season was filmed and was warned several times to have any cuts I received looked at by medical immediately. Those infections are no joke.

J-Pro informs us that with these conditions, it’ll be the most grueling “Survivor” ever. I dunno…”Redemption Island” was pretty grueling…to watch.

We hear from Peter first. He thinks it’ll be a challenge to hide how smart he is. Don’t worry, dude. I’m sure the guy in the “Survivor” baseball cap is going to let everyone know the theme of your tribe soon enough.

Debbie tells us that she’s going to own the challenges because “puzzles lay down for me like lovers.” Wow. That’s…something. She just said something right there.

Next up, Scot explains that he made a career of beating people up in the NBA. I’m more interested in the time he broke Shooter McGavin’s golf club.

After that, Kyle (who apparently goes by “Jason”) describes his job as breaking into people’s houses, hog-tying them, and throwing them in the back of his truck. Ummm…I’m going to be very careful with what I write about Jason this season if that’s OK with all of you. #GoJason

Anna shares her strategy of using her cleavage to gain an advantage while playing poker. There’s a “pair” or a “hold ‘em” joke in there somewhere, but I think it’s best if we move on.

Finally, Nick tells us how his good looks have made his life easier. Huh. #GoJason

A bell sounds and everyone is off to the races trying to gather as much equipment as they can. In the excitement a chicken flies off of the boat. Caleb, using Elisabeth’s head as a springboard, dives into the water after it.

If only he’d said, “Beast Mooooooode” on the way down.

The tribes continue to toss stuff overboard at a hectic pace. Seriously, it’s a miracle that nobody takes a cast iron pot to the face.

At one point, Tai tells us he’s trying to protect one of the chickens because he, “loves all living creatures.” Oh boy…chicken protectors have a tough time on this show.

As the time limit expires, everyone climbs aboard their respective rafts and paddles off.

It is then that Mr. Probst turns to the camera and says something about…

39 Days, 18 People, 1 “Survivor” Blog

Let’s take a look at the tribes as they currently stand.

The Chanloh Tribe – Brains (wearing blue)
Aubry – 29, Social Media Marketer
Debbie – 49, Chemist
Elisabeth – 29, Quantitative strategist
Joseph – 72, Former FBI Agent
Neal – 38, Ice Cream Entrepreneur
Peter – 34, ER Doctor

The Gondol Tribe – Beauty (wearing yellow)
Anna – 26, Pro Poker Player
Caleb – 28, Army Veteran
Julia – 19, Student
Michele – 24, Bartender
Nick – 30, Personal Trainer
Tai – 51, Gardener

The Totang Tribe – Brawn (wearing orange)
Alecia – 24, Real Estate Agent
Cydney – 23, Body Builder
Darnell – 27, Postal Worker
Jennifer – 38, Contractor
Kyle  – 31, Bounty Hunter
Scot – 40, Former NBA Champion

We start of at Brawny Beach and Scot immediately owns up to his NBA past. Probably a smart move. He is like infinity feet tall.

He then shows that he has problems counting to six. Yikes, he might think this show only lasts 15 days.

At Lambda Lambda Lambda, Debbie points out that Peter looks like President Obama. Good thing Jeff Kent isn’t out there.

Debbie then describes her many jobs including Red Lobster server. I’ve been to the Reading Red Lobster! She may have served me cheesy biscuits.

At Casa de Beauty, Tai isn’t sure why he’s on the pretty tribe. Dude, you’re adorable. Own it.

Caleb doesn’t get it either. He says Tai is wearing Mr. Miyagi glasses. Mr. Miyagi didn’t wear glasses. And if you’re looking for a point of reference, they’re more like Harry Potter’s glasses.
The ladies wonder what Nick does for a living seeing as he shaves his arms and legs. They guess model, but I’m thinking razor salesman or speed swimmer.

Back at Brawnsylvania, Alecia is already annoying Jason and Scot because she isn’t doing anything around camp. They want to partner with Jennifer.

Meanwhile, Darnell and Cydney decide to work together. This grand moment is punctuated by footage of Darnell sneaking off to use the restroom and being caught by everyone. Welcome to national TV, Darnell.

At Beautiesburg, one of the chickens gets away. Tai comes up with the idea of putting the chickens on a leash so they’ll be happier. Are happy chickens tastier?

The women on the Beauty tribe find Tai’s chicken idea adorable and want to work with him. Ooo…bad news for Beast Mode?

Julie also recognizes Caleb from “Big Brother.” However, this works in his favor because they remember that he was very loyal to his alliance.

Later on, we see Caleb and Tai getting fire for their tribe. Good job, guys.

Over at Chanloh, it looks like Elisabeth, Peter, Aubry, and Neal are together. Liz thinks that Debbie is annoying and Joe is most likely to be medievac’d. Foreshadowing?!

At Beauty, Tai goes on a little idol hunt. He digs for a bit and doesn’t have any luck. Not only that, but his tribe catches him searching. Doh… Now Anna doesn’t trust him. Welp…might as well keep looking.

Back at Brainy Beach, Aubry is having a tough time with the heat. Yeah, the heat in Cambodia is no joke. Debbie does her best to take care of her and it seems like they bond over it.

However, now Elisabeth and Neal are worried about keeping Aubry around because they think she might be a liability.

That night, a bug flies into Jennifer’s ear. GAH! As you’d imagine, she’s not happy about it.

It’s still there the next morning. Alecia wonders if it might be water and Jennifer not so nicely lets her know that water would not make her ear bleed.

This is brutal. Jennifer is in terrible pain even during her testimonials.

They then show close-ups of the BUG CRAWLING OUT OF HER EAR!

I’m done. Thanks for reading my stuff all these years. It’s been fun.

Anywho, this understandably makes Jennifer feel much better.

Immunity Challenge Time: The tribes will swim out to a boat then dive down to get four paddles. From there they’ll row to shore and turn their boat into a cart. Finally, they’ll complete a puzzle or stack balls while standing on a beam. The first two tribes to finish will win immunity. The first tribe wins a fire-making kit, while the second-place tribe will win flint.

Before we start, Alecia is concerned because she isn’t good at puzzles. Foreshadowing?!

The Survivors are ready…and they go.

It’s pretty even to start until Darnell accidentally loses the Brawn tribe’s mask. Doh… This causes the Brawn tribe to fall way behind.

The Beauty tribe is the first to the beach, they’re followed by the Brains. However, the process of getting the boat into the cradle takes forever, giving the Brawns a chance to catch up.

The Brains tribe is the first to get their cart moving, Brawn is behind them. Beauty if having trouble.

Elisabeth and Aubry go to work on the puzzle for Brains.

Jennifer and Alecia will do the puzzle for Brawn.

Beauty finally catches up. Anna and Julie are puzzle-bound as well.

Alecia tags out and Scot goes in.

The Brains fly through the puzzle and claim the first immunity of the season.

Brawn and Beauty battle it out for second with Beauty taking the win.

Back at Brawn Camp, Darnell and Alecia both apologize for their missteps in the challenge.

Darnell knows he’s a candidate to go home and he’s worried because nobody is talking to him. Jason and Scot tell him not to worry because they’re voting for “Blondie.”

Later, Scot admits that he wants Darnell gone. He explains to Alecia that she’s safe and does some zen-master moves, telling her to trust him and just let it happen.

Scot begs her to stop scheming, but she won’t give them a straight answer when they ask her if she has an idol. Be cool, Alecia!

That night at Tribal, fire represents everyone’s life.

Jason is happy with his tribe, but not everyone can live up to his high standards. He has no problem saying it’s “Blondie” and Darnell. OK, I’m convinced they don’t know her name. That’s good, then they can’t write it down.

Alecia doesn’t think she’s the weakest link in the tribe.

Darnell admits that he’s the reason they lost. But he tried his best.

Scot is upset that he trusted Darnell when he said he could dive.

Alecia thinks they have to keep the tribe strong and she’s a “mental giant” and she isn’t going to quit.

Cydney thinks Alecia’s just saying it for show and she isn’t really strong. Dude, why else would she be on the Brawn tribe?

Darnell then breaks down a little because he let everyone down.

Jennifer whispers to her alliance that she doesn’t want to vote out Darnell.

Jason wonders if they’re making the wrong choice.

Voting Time: Alecia votes for Darnell, Cydney votes for Alecia, and the rest are secret.

Quick Aside: Alecia tried to write her vote without taking the cap off of the marker. #mentalgiant

Probst tallies and returns. We’ve got one vote for Alecia, one vote for Darnell, one vote for Alecia, one vote for Darnell, one vote for Alecia, and the final vote is for Darnell. A tie.

Voting Time Part Deux: No votes are shown.

J-Pro tallies and returns yet again. We’ve got two votes for Darnell and the first person voted out of “Survivor: Kaôh Rōng is…Darnell.

Verdict: A BUG WAS IN HER EAR! IN HER EAR! DIGGGGGGGING IN HER EAR! That has to be the grossest thing on this show since the “South Pacific” crew had to tear apart that hunk of pork with their teeth.

Maybe I’ll come up with a better verdict after I wash my eyes out with soap.

Who’s Going to Win? I kinda like Scot. I don’t think someone his size can win balance-heavy individual immunities, but he’s got game.

Any Questions? Drop me a line on Twitter: @gordonholmes

QUICK NOTE: XFINITYTV.com is the place to be for all of your bug-eatin’, back-stabbin’, “Survivor” coverage. During the season we’ll have insightful weekly Power Rankings, exit interviews, and full episode recaps. Follow me on Twitter (@gordonholmes) for up-to-the-minute updates.

“Survivor: Kaôh Rōng” will premiere on CBS Wednesday, February 17, 2015 at 8 p.m. ET with a special 90-minute episode.

OK, you all know the drill by now; I rank the players, the game starts, I am proved horribly wrong. The most famous cases being, of course, me picking Tony Vlachos last for “Survivor: Cagayan” and picking Michelle Chase to win “Survivor: Gabon.”

…sigh…

However, things changed a little bit with my “Second Chance” predictions. Sure, my winner pick was the fourth person sent home…BUT…the eventual winner, Jeremy Collins, was my pick to win “Survivor: San Juan del Sur.”

So, sometime after this season, get ready for Alecia to come back and win it all.

Quick Note: The pre-season rankings are for exhibition purposes only. No points will be awarded based on their content. Ideally, the players are being ranked based on their likelihood of being named Sole Survivor.

Gordon Holmes’s Pre-Season Rankings

1. – Alecia: I can see this season taking a similar course as the original Brains vs. Beauty vs. Brawn. The Brawn tribe looks like it can clean house in challenges. So, they might not see any real danger until the inevitable swap in the fifth episode. (NOTE: I don’t know that there will be a swap, but it almost always happens in three-tribe seasons) That’ll put the Kyles and Scots in danger, but Alecia can blend in and coast. I think she’s a real threat to go all the way. That, and “Mental Giant” might be my new favorite nickname.	2. – Peter: Peter seems like a smart guy with a level head. He should cruise for a while. The one thing that did make me nervous was his logic in forgoing fire-making skills because they can win flint in a challenge. So…basically you’re prepared to go the first three days without fire. I think a doctor would know better.
3. – Joseph: You know when you see someone like Joseph and you’re supposed to say, “I hope I look that good at his age.” Forget that. I wish I looked that good now. So, he’s the old guy on a tribe that I can see losing a few early immunities, but I doubt they’ll be able to use lack of challenge prowess as a reason to send him packing. Add to that his FBI background and you have someone who can probably spot a liar a mile away.	4. – Anna: We all want to believe that poker players are super good at “Survivor,” but the evidence has yet to back it up. That aside, she intends to have a malleable personality, which is something the other poker-types weren’t known for.
5. – Darnell: I like Darnell. He seems like a smart, personable guy. And on a tribe with two brawny guys like Kyle and Scot, he isn’t going to be anyone’s first target after the merge. If I were him, I’d buddy up with them quick and let them take all the bullets.	6. – Nick: I always question someone whose bio reads like a bad-guy wrestler promo. “Your hometown sporting team sucks!” “I hate puppies and ice cream!” Spencer Bledsoe had a similar bio his first time and his in-game personality did not match his pre-game boasts. So, if Nick knows enough to turn up that part of his personality to get noticed by casting, hopefully he knows enough to turn it down (or off) in the game.
7. – Elisabeth: “The Surgical Flirter!” Flirting with precision! Like a sexy scalpel! Nurse, get me 20 cc’s of fineness, stat! Sorry, I was watching her video and that cracked me up.  If she can survive through the swap, I could see her making some noise after the merge. And anyone who uses a “Game of Thrones” reference gets bonus points in my book.	8. – Kyle: Does Kyle have a boom box tattooed on his stomach?  That’s awesome. Also awesome is Kyle’s attitude of not taking a specific strategy into the game and adjusting based on what is thrown at him. I think he and Scot are going to make the merge easily, but then be BIG targets.
9. – Michele: She wants to take a “Harry Potter” book with her, but doesn’t specify which one?! How am I supposed to work with that? A “Half-Blood Prince” pick is an obvious winner, while I’d question the sanity of someone who goes with “Order of the Phoenix.” Truthfully, I didn’t get much of a feel for her potential gameplay from any of the pre-season materials. So…middle-of-the-pack she goes.	10. – Cydney: She’s smart and she’s strong, but it has to be depressing for someone who takes such pride in her hard-earned physique to watch it dwindle away under “Survivor’s” harsh conditions. It’ll be interesting to see how Cydney deals with that. Also, I get nervous around people who claim to have “alter egos.” “Survivor” is a game where you have to take ownership of your actions in order to sway a jury in the end and an alter ego seems like a way to pass the blame.
11. – Aubry: I always wondered how a Manic Pixie Dream Girl would do on “Survivor.” Who is the most Zach Braff-esque person for her to align with? In all seriousness though, she’s got a good head on her shoulders, but does she have what it takes to cut throats?	12. – Neal: Huh…looking at this Brains tribe you’ve got an FBI agent, a chemist, a quantitative strategist, and an E.R. doctor. How does an entrepreneur fit into that?  Neal seems nice enough and personable enough to do well in a larger-tribe situation, but I think the early going is going to be a brainy bloodbath.
13. – Debbie: Reading, PA, represent! Surely she trained by eating pretzels, jogging up to the Pagoda, and attending Fightin’ Phils games. And…uh…juggling. She’s a juggler. She…juggles. Anywho…the Brains tribe is a tough one to figure. Do the under-40s ostracize Debbie and Joseph? Do they try to stay strong and keep them around? This will probably be the story of the first four episodes.	14. – Julia: I remember what an idiot I was when I was her age. I would imagine someone with more world experience would have destroyed me on “Survivor.” But on the other hand she has “killed cows in Africa.”
15. – Jennifer: When I was watching Jennifer’s interview, I was totally loving her up until the “Can’t deal with weather” portion. Weather is a problem? You’re familiar with the show you’ve signed up for, right?	16. – Caleb: The “Beast-Mode Cowboy” is on this season?! I watched his season of “Big Brother!” I Power Ranked it with Rachel Reilly. I stayed up until embarrassing hours watching it on TVGN (Now Pop!). The thing I remember most about Caleb? Him not realizing that Amber was totally not into him. That lack of self-awareness will get your torch snuffed quickly on “Survivor.”
17. – Tai: How adorable is Tai? Seriously. I’m nervous about the make-up of his tribe, though. Caleb, judging by his time on “Big Brother,” has a weak spot for the ladies and Nick is more of a challenge threat. Could Tai be sent packing if the Beauties have immunity issues early on?	18. – Scot: Yeah, Shirin is right that former athletes don’t have the best track record on “Survivor,” but look who’s on his tribe…Kyle. Is there any way those two don’t become best buddies and start their own food truck show when this is all over? As for the game, there are just too many balancing-type individual immunity challenges after the merge for someone like Scot to get too far.

QUICK NOTE: XFINITYTV.com is the place to be for all of your bug-eatin’, back-stabbin’, “Survivor” coverage. During the season we’ll have insightful weekly Power Rankings, exit interviews, and full episode recaps. Follow me on Twitter (@gordonholmes) for up-to-the-minute updates.

“Survivor: Kaôh Rōng” will premiere on CBS Wednesday, February 17, 2015 at 8 p.m. ET with a special 90-minute episode.

The Rules: Each week our two combatants will create separate power rankings. The ranking of the person who is voted out of the next episode will determine the number of points the players will earn.  At the end of the season, the person with the most points will be named the “Survivor: Kaôh Rōng” Power Rankings Challenge Champion.

Quick Note: The pre-season rankings are for exhibition purposes only. No points will be awarded based on their content. Ideally, the players are being ranked based on their likelihood of being named Sole Survivor.

Shirin Oskooi’s Pre-Season Rankings

1. – Nick: Who seeks life coaching from a tall, attractive white guy? You can’t coach privilege, but you can waltz your way to a million bucks with it.	2. – Neal: He has all the God-given attributes to win, concealed by ice cream pants and a bow tie. “A bow tie announces to the world you can no longer get an erection,” as David Sedaris once said, so no one will see him coming.
3. – Tai: This is a kind, lovely human being. How in the world(s apart) did he get cast for “Survivor”?	4. – Joe: This retired GI Joe American hero has potential to be the season’s bad-ass grandpa.
5. – Kyle: Holy cow, I didn’t realize the Incredible Hulk was based on a real dude. He is massive. Someone call Vince McMahon.  (RIGHT, GORDON??)	6. – Caleb: A 26-year-old 6-year old burning off a sugar (and social media) high. He should be fun to watch, and hey, Fabio won! ¯_(ツ)_/¯
7. – Peter: The only doctors who do well on “Survivor” are the medical crew.	8. – Scot: Will his ball-handling ability still command the same pay? Why don’t we ask Gary Hogeboom, Grant Mattos, Steve Wright, Jeff Kent, Brad Culpepper, Cliff Robinson, John Rocker, Kenny Hoang…
9. – Darnell: Will Darnell live up to the prestige of past “Survivor” postal workers? The good news is, he doesn’t have to “owtu’it” or “obltay” as Dan Foley attempted; he just needs to outlast.	10. – Aubry: To all the female contestants who said they were most like Parvati: Parvati was beaten in this game by a woman named Sandra. Season 32: meet Sandra.
11. – Julia: Heed Queen Bey. “Okay, ladies, now let’s get in formation. Slay trick, or you get eliminated.”	12. – Cydney: What’s not to like about a sassy, strong, Ivy League woman who hates bigots and cares for her eyebrows? 😉 Her body may scare people ala Alicia Calaway and land her an early jury seat, but at least she can bathe in branch chain amino acids at Ponderosa and reinflate.
13. – Michele: Harry Potter fan!!! And I like that she compares herself to Parvati…Patil. She loves reading people and the future. #Divination	14. – Anna: For our second installment of Brains vs Brawn vs Beauty, Morgan goes to Vegas!
15. – Jennifer: Zero-vote final Tribal Council potential is strong in this matriarch. Her 38 years of age is geriatric compared to all but one other woman on this cast. I don’t make “Survivor” history; I just cite it.	16. – Liz: The space shuttle Challenger was a marvel built by NASA geniuses meant to soar across the universe.  It also disintegrated 73 seconds into its flight.
17. – Alecia: Adrenaline junkie, generic young woman who doesn’t know this game well. Here for the scenery…let’s hope she doesn’t blend into it.	18. – Debbie: She’ll have to leash her inner tiger to fit in. But her outer tiger says “Rawr.”