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Archive for the ‘TV Whatnot’ Category
Why ‘American Idol’ Sucks Now
March 24, 2011Advertising’s Most Disgusting Mascots
March 16, 2011I think we’ve probably discussed this before, but if we haven’t, I’d like to point out that I used to be “The Kid Who Puked” in elementary school. I wasn’t sick or anything, I just had a super weak stomach. The highlight of which was probably when I tossed my cookies from reading the word “Boogers” in a book. That’s right, reading the word was enough to send me sprinting for the bathroom.
Fun Fact: Before I became a whatever-the-crap-it-is-I-do-now (seriously, it seems to change every six months) I went to school for advertising.
Now, do I think my brief flirtation with a career selling goods and services qualifies me to be the ultimate decider on what works and what doesn’t? No. Does something like that ever stop me from speaking my mind? No. Am I a good judge of what turns my stomach? Yes. Do I answer too many of my own questions? Totally.
Anywho, here are my picks for the advertising mascots that have me wanting to relive my days in the bathroom stalls at Hanna Woods Elementary.
Spoilers and Those Who Spoil
March 2, 2011
SPOILER ALERT: Do not read this blog if you don’t want to know about the ending of “Short Circuit.”
I will never…ever forgive Ryan Davis.
The date: August 14, 1986
The place: The dollar theater in Manchester, Missouri.
The movie: “Short Circuit”
I’m notorious for having a terrible memory, but I will never forget my tenth birthday. I was seated in a movie theater, surrounded by several of my friends enjoying the hilarious robotic antics of Johnny 5. Toward the end of the movie we were led to believe that our new robot friend had been blown to bits (or “disassembled” as he would charmingly yelp). I was mortified.
One Reason Why ‘Glee’ Doesn’t Annoy the Crap Out of Me
February 9, 2011
WordPress has a function that allows you to see the search terms people have used to find your site. For the past seven days, this is what my top ten list has looked like…
1. Reasons Why Glee Is Rubbish
2. Marshmallow Woman
3. Marshmallow Sailor
4. Senor Chang Elf
5. Stay Puft
6. Glee Is Rubbish
7. Glee Annoys Me
8. Glee Club Sucks
9. Glee Is Crap
10. Glee Crap
The reason for ‘Glee’s’ multiple showings on this list is clearly the piece I wrote entitled ‘Seven Reasons Why ‘Glee’ Annoys the Crap Out of Me.’
Now, while I don’t think ‘Glee’ has done much to alleviate my concerns I will give them credit for one thing; every now and then they do show you something you’ve never seen before.
Corporate Synergy Has Never Tasted So Good
January 27, 2011
That’s right, free cupcakes, baby!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pitch some wrestling-centric plot ideas to my co-workers over at “Community.”
My Greatest Contribution to Reality Television
January 16, 2011
I was fortunate enough to get to travel to Nicaragua this past summer to visit the set of CBS’s “Survivor.” While I was there I had a chance to chat with reality TV guru Mark Burnett. The topic of “Celebrity Apprentice” came up, and everyone started tossing out their casting picks for the next season.
I popped on my reality TV producer hat and tried to figure out what I’d look for in a “Celebrity Apprentice” contestant. I decided that the ideal candidate would be relatively famous, free-spirited, and certifiably insane.
It was then that I decided that the two people who best fit that description were ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage and Gary Busey. I pitched those two ideas to Mark and we all had a laugh.
For those of you who follow the program (I don’t) you’ll be glad to know that Mr. Busey will in fact be suiting up for Mr. Trump’s next attempt to do whatever that show is intending to do. I will accept all due credit every time Gary sets something on fire or stabs a fellow contestant with a letter opener.
Sadly, Randy Savage was left on the sidelines.
Adventures In Clay: The Creation of Snowman Senor Chang
December 22, 2010
Note: We have a rule in the Holmes household that any gift that is meant to be enjoyed during Christmas should be given before Christmas. So don’t worry, this blog post isn’t spoiling my alliance partner’s holiday gift. Not that she reads my blog anyways…
“Community” is my new jam. It’s the show I watch on Thursday night, then put on again later that night while I’m writing. The alliance partner loves it too. In fact, after the claymation episode a few weeks ago (‘Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas’) she could not stop laughing at the sight of Senor Chang (Ken Jeong) in claymation form.
So I decided to make her a Snowman Chang of her own.
Charlie Brown’s Disturbing Thanksgiving
November 24, 2010As I mentioned in the “Great Pumpkin” post, we’re big huge “Peanuts” fans here in the Holmes household. That, “Charlie Brown’s Thanksgiving,” and “A Charlie Brown Christmas” are must-watch viewing during the holidays.
But, much like with the “Great Pumpkin,” I noticed a few disturbing things during this year’s screening…
The Browns Are Hoarders
During the scene where Snoopy is sent to the backyard to set up the Thanksgiving feast, he cracks open the Brown family garage.
Look at the inside!
And on the same note; what kind of weird negligent parents were in that neighborhood anyway? Did we ever see Charlie wearing anything other than the same yellow zig-zag shirt? Did the Van Pelts bat an eyelash when Linus bailed on them to go to Charlie Brown’s grandmother’s house? Why didn’t Peppermint Patty, Marcy, or Franklin have their own familys’ dinners to attend?
Woodstock Eats Turkey
Yeah, technically Woodstock isn’t a turkey (nobody knows what kind of bird he is) but at the end of the day, he’s still a bird.
What kind of Thanksgiving message are they sending over the closing credits as Woodstock goes all cannibal on his holiday dinner? And while we’re on the subject, did it bother anyone else that Woodstock had teeth?
Poor, Trusting, Abused Linus
October 30, 2010
Sat down with the alliance partner this evening to watch the Halloween classic, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” It occurred to me that whenever I watch this special, I always ask myself the same questions…
Why doesn’t Charlie Brown tell Violet where to stick that marker when she draws on his head?
How does PigPen kick up a cloud of dust indoors?
Did Snoopy hallucinate the whole World War 1 sequence?
But this year I was hit with a new question…
Who told Linus about the Great Pumpkin in the first place?
Seriously. It’s not like he made up the story himself. Sure, kids are capable of coming up with some imaginative stories, but he’d know better than to pursue it if it was his own creation.
My bet is that some a**hole uncle told him about it as a joke. Sincere pumpkin patch? That sounds like the same ridiculous crap I tell my nephew.
Now I feel terrible.
7 Reasons Why ‘Glee’ Annoys the Crap Out of Me
October 19, 2010
Some guys hate it when people break into random songs on stage or in movies.
Not this guy.
I’ve even broken into some random songs myself. During my time on stage I’ve stolen a courtesan from the House of Marcus Lycus, managed the oldest, established, permanent floating crap game in New York, and sexually harassed Marian the librarian at her place of business.
Not only that, I hopped on the college acapella bandwagon a few years ago. A quick look at my iPad will reveal songs by the Freshman Fifteen, the MIT Logarythms, and the Clef Hangers.
So, why don’t I love “Glee”? Well, I’ll tell you…
Note: Before we get into this mess, I realize you’re probably saying, “Gordon, why are you watching a show that drives you nuts?” To which I reply, “For the same reason I watch ‘Entourage,’ because I believe it has the potential to be really good.”
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